Coconut Tree

This morning, I woke up early and found myself doom-scrolling on TikTok. It was mindless at first—until I stumbled on a video about mothers. Something about it struck a chord deep within me, and I came to a profound realization: I am the last leaf on this branch of a tree that has been growing for millennia.

I miss my mother. Thinking about her brought me to thoughts of her mother, my grandmother, a woman I only knew for a brief moment. I began to reflect on all the things I would never know about them—all the stories they carried, all the secrets they buried with them. I saw myself as part of this long, continuous journey, an endless thread weaving lives together across time. The year is 2024, and the cells in my body hold knowledge and wisdom passed down through generations.

I have long decided I will never have a child. The stories in my body will not be passed on to the next generation. I am a leaf that will never become a branch. This realization is both sad and beautiful. It saddens me to know I will never witness another life blossom out of my existence. Yet there is power in holding this last key—an autonomy in knowing that this is where my line ends.

I feel a deep gratitude for all the nameless, faceless lives that came before me. They carried the vessel of life forward, through hardship and joy, to ensure that I could exist today. I think of Kamala Harris’s words: “Do you think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and came before you.” I have never truly understood that quote until today.

Grandmothers and daughters. Mothers and sons. We are not just one individual but echoes of a gong that began to sound many, many years ago. It is so beautiful. You are not just a poem but an epic—stories of love, pain, and endurance all woven to become you.

I did not just fall out of a coconut tree. I am the last leaf of my branch, carrying with me the legacy of countless lives before it falls to the earth. And I find beauty in that.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

About a month ago, I went into this really dark place. Being in the middle of this lockdown, I knew there was no escaping it. I needed healing. Healing from all my childhood traumas, past negative experiences, and old wounds.

I was very fortunate that through one of my Facebook posts, an unexpected person from my friends list messaged me and offered some help. This person became a "life coach" and helped me process these things through sessions where I get to share thoughts and experiences.

One of our exercises included me naming a person I hated the most. Through that person, we can study my triggers, the probable root cause of certain negativities, and most importantly, how can I resolve it.

I made a status update about this exercise weeks ago where I shared how I wrote a letter to a former mentor. All along, akala ko, forgetting someone is enough. Iba pala 'yung kinakalimutan mo lang 'yung experience (or just putting the past behind) sa talagang nakapagpatawad ka na. As long as there is pain or anger, you are not healed. The residue of that negative experience is still in your subconscious mind. No matter what you do, unknowingly, it will affect your actions and your decisions. Totoo pala 'yung you really become the monster that you hate.

Going back, as I was doing the exercise and writing the letter, I have realized something: "how can I ask for forgiveness from my former mentor kung ako mismo sa sarili ko, I can't forgive people who hurt me, especially my former students?" So I made a list of all the people I hate (LOL) or mga tao from my past that I feel I have unresolved issues with. One by one, I wrote each of them a letter.

Why am I sharing this today? I saw an interview of my idol Lady Gaga where she shared she needed to show kindness to the younger pop artists; something she never got from one of her idols (obviously, Madonna) when she was just starting in the industry. It was so beautiful and made me think of my position now as a teacher/mentor to the younger generation. To me, pwedeng wala lang 'yung mga bagay na nasabi or nagawa ko but to these kids who [once] look[ed] up to me, they meant the world to them.

These past few weeks have been both difficult and kind. Although "trapped" inside my home, undergoing this process has truly been liberating. My favorite quote from Kill Bill, "revenge is a dish best served cold," has changed its meaning... the best form of "revenge" is when you have forgiven people.

When you ask for forgiveness, it doesn't matter if you hear, "you are forgiven." You don't expect a reply. You pay it forward by forgiving the people who hurt you too.

When you forgive someone, you are no longer giving the person who hurt you the power over you... they can no longer unwittingly control your emotions and your actions. Also, you cannot expect kindness when you yourself haven't been kind. Just because someone was not able to show you the love you deserve, you will let yourself become the monster you hate.

Starseed

I have always been curious about life beyond earth and I know deep down that what we as humans are conditioned to know as the truth is far too simple than the grand scheme of the Universe.

I had this very vivid memory from when I was 3 or 4 years old. I knew it happened at that age because we moved to a new home when I was 5 or 6, and this memory happened in our old house.

It's the middle of the night, we were all sleeping in the living room. Everyone is already asleep when I woke up as if someone called me. I was just lying there, staring at the ceiling and wall of the living room when like magic, it dissolved and I was suddenly floating in space.

Looking back, it was not a bad memory. I remember being calm and not afraid. I looked around and I saw millions of stars from afar and there's a big red-orange-yellow planet on my left. Then I "heard" a voice. "Heard" because the voice is not actually talking in a language that I understand but I am pretty sure it was talking to me telepathically. I can understand. 

I already forgot the entire gist of what the voice is saying but all I can remember was, "don't forget" or "remember this." He/she was talking to me as if narrating a story and asking me to not forget. It's of utmost importance that I remember it. Then the voice showed me something. There are floating bodies being transported on an invisible conveyor belt. They are not dead, just sleeping. They were arrranged in two files, lying with their hands on their sides (like Shavasana pose). What they are wearing is an orange-y "costume" that is somehow similar to the time of Genghis Khan. They are being transported to somewhere.

It was so vivid and all I can remember was the voice was asking me to remember or to not forget.

All my life, I have been wanting to remember what was it that I was supposed to not forget. I was afraid to tell this to anyone, even to my parents, out of fear that they won't believe me, think that I'm losing my mind, or just inventing a story. I came to a point that even me, I am questioning myself if it really happened or just a product of my very colorful imagination. But how can a three or four year old invent something like that? 🤔 

Anyway, I am sharing this now not for anyone's approval or validation.

At 35 years old, I quite remember what that voice was asking me to remember or not forget. I thought that remembering is like a normal memory that you can get back in an instant. Remembering is a journey of collecting tiny information, like a baby eating from a spoon, then graduating to bigger and bigger meals. 

Finding the truth, I was obsessed with the Bible until I almost becamea Born Again Christian. Then it was not enough, I almost converted to Islam. Until I became an agnostic to being a negative and hating atheist, I finally had my awakening.

I guess, I wanna share this now after so long because I want to share to whoever reading this that life is so much more than what we are told. Listen to your instincts, don't be afraid to question existing dogmas, and find your truth. You will find it. ❤

Reset: New Home, Learnings, and Awakening

I moved to a new place on the last day of July after four years of living in my previous place. So I opened August living in a new home, new bed, and (some) new furnishings with my two cats. I needed this. It gave me a different perspective and approach to life. It allowed me to feel a "reset" in my life.

July was a heavy month, wasn't it? With all the retrograde energy and the negativities, August was really a breath of fresh air.

Since moving here, I have made it as a daily ritual to meditate at least once a day. One in the morning, after feeding the cats and the plants (before breakfast) and second, before going to sleep (as a day-finisher).

Meditation has given me so much peace of mind and has brought me to many discoveries and learnings. I have realized that 2019 is really my year of Spiritual Awakening. It started in January when I got really sick that for months, I was in denial of all the negativities that I have been carrying. Then something happened around May that made me realize that I was living with "fake positivity."

I had a melt down in May because of too much alcohol. I knew it had to stop. Alcohol is not a solution to feeling lonely. Me plus alcohol are a bad combination, for myself and for the people around me.

Step one for my Awakening was: eliminate Alcoholism.

There are still occasions when I would drink a little (not going to lie here). At least, we have eliminated the need to get wasted and the constant desire to drink every weekend. That's one.

Step two: Fresh Start.

Not everyone can have a luxury of moving from a new place. I was lucky that this changing of home gave me a fresh start where I can leave my accumulated negative energies behind. Not that you can escape negativities if you don't deal with them. I am just saying, it helps to start fresh.

Step three: Meditate. Meditate. Meditate.

Good news: meditation is for free! Anyone can do it. It's not a luxury. It's a necessity that I encourage everyone to start practicing it even for just a few minutes a day. If you are still reading this post, you came here because you wanted to be awakened yourself. This is the nudge you need. Do it. Do it now. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Focus on the air you inhale and exhale. Meditation is not high science or something only experts can practice. No. It's simply awareness of your being.

Learnings:

1. I have become more patient with people. I still get mad, but unlike before that I am like on an autopilot mode, I am more aware now when I am angry that I can easily snap out of it.
2. Cleaning your home is important. 😂Maintaining the quality of your living space is a reflection of the quality of your mind and of your life. Accumulating dirt is accumulating negative energies. Before, I would let dishes remain unwashed FOR DAYS (yuck, I know) because I am that lazy! Making an effort to clean your space is making an effort to clean your life.
3. I now acknowledge the existence of DIVINITY. Yes. I am still an atheist (I don't believe in the "god" of the religions) BUT, I believe now in spirituality, in a Higher Self, in the Source. This is the most important part of my Awakening. There are still so many things to learn and let go (like fear and anger).
4. Our pets are our companions, guides, and protectors. I am so happy that I chose Midnight (my zen/yin white cat) and Morning (my warrior/protector, energetic black cat). These two really help me feel more love and compassion daily.
5. There are people you don't see or talk to anymore for a reason – they do not match your frequency or your vibration. Yes, most of them are your friends (or even family), but your vibration will dictate who will be in your reality. Do not force it or you will only lower your frequency for them. Respect their journey.

Love and Light.

Paper Cut

I am finally writing about you.

I wish that I have put into writing the things that we did while they were still fresh in my memory. I wish that I have put into words the emotions that I felt when you were with me. I wish that I have written about you when I was in the middle of that blissful period of time when I knew you love me too.

I wish I am not writing about you.

I wish that I am not writing about you because these words are words of goodbye. I wish I am not writing about acknowledging the emotions I feel now that you are not with me. I wish I am not writing about regrets and wishes that you still love me too.

Because I cannot unwrite you.

I cannot unwrite the memories that I see in every corner of our table, in left over papers and plastics, in mugs and pans, in stains on the stove, and every dust that were left unmoved. I cannot unwrite you. That even if I acknowledge the pain, what stands out are the sound of our laughter, your scent that lingers on me even after I shower, the conversations and dreams on papers and plastics, and the kisses that make our lips bleed. I cannot unwrite the blissful memories because erasing them leaves paper cuts that remind me I still love you.

I wish I wrote about you.

I wish I wrote about that moment when I first saw you coming down the escalator, when we spent only less than an hour together and I already cannot let go of you. I wish I wrote about all the little surprises that makes you, you. The letters, the gifts, and the sketches on papers that I knew you think of me.

I wish I wrote about how cruel I was to you, how I easily felt comfortable about your love that I forgot about you losing you. I wish I wrote about your eyes. I wish I wrote about your smile. I wish I wrote about your embrace that makes every weariness disappear. I wish I wrote about you so that I could have seen every detail that is beautiful, ugly, and special that makes you, you.

I wish I wrote about you while you still love me too.

The End and Beginning

Last night's experience is so symbolic not just for me, but for the entire The Addlib Family. If you've seen both our pieces from last year and this year, you've noticed a lot of similarities. Our piece last night started where we ended last year, then we finished where we started last year.

Life is a cycle – we fight, we struggle until we succeed. We shine bright only to burn and die... then rise from the ashes again.

WE DID IT! Sabi nga ni Dora, ni Boots, at lahat ng mga bata. We defeated our greatest enemy... hindi si Swiper, but OURSELVES. It's so hard to compete with yourself, last year's winner, paano mo siya lalampasan?

To our A*B*C members: Ashley, Anna, Melanna, Jelai, Daniel – at your age, you've proven na wala sa edad masusukat ang passion for dance. Napakarami niyo pang masasayawang competitions, and I can't wait to see you all bloom.

To our former The LAB students: Kriserla, Ria, Nikki, Alvek, Mhark – I'm so proud to see your journey from the side of the stage watching your teachers perform at ngayon, you are them.

To the members of last year's team: Ralph, JP, Khym, Andred – BAWAL NGUMITI! hahaha, I'm proud of you, guys!

To THE CHOREOGRAPHERS: Jb, Jawi, Macki – salamat sa creative input ninyo and eagerness to learn more.

To my Associate Artistic Directors: Melong, Ed, Mikko – salamat kasi nag-compete pa rin kayo kahit feeling oldie na kayo (hahaha) and busy with the sched (speaking in general). Umiinit na rin ang mga ulo ninyo, pero it's all part of the process. Salamat!

Big shout out to Guilbert & Sasa – the co-choreographers, main inspiration and mga pangunahing characters sa aming piyesa. You have represented your Wave so well. I'm so sure na they are proud of you dahil FINALLY napatunayan na ninyo ang legacy ng sixth wave!

At sa lahat ng mga naging parte ng The Addlib, maraming salamat sa iniwan ninyong inspiration, WE ALL SHOUTED YOUR NAME BEFORE PERFORMING!

Last night is an end of an era, but it's also a beginning of a new one. Isa na namang bagong TALA ang kailangan habulin at abutin. The journey has just begun! 🌟

#ADDLIBFOREVER #ToInfinityAndBeyond

Here's My Pointe

I'll never forget this one time back in my Salinggawi days nung nagalit sa aming mga apprentice si Mamachu kasi naka-jazz pants kami sa training, "Bakit, magagaling na ba kayo?" Back then sabi ko, "Wow, galit na siya n'on?"

Later on I realized na she said that because, one: "how can you correct lines kung ang arte na ng suot mo" and two: "bago ka mag-inarte, make sure magaling ka na." That became a part of my rule book, that in the dance world, everything is earned.

When I was 21, Teacher Georcelle asked me to dance on pointe, coz she had a concept in mind for a prod. Grabe 'yung pagtanggi ko kasi feeling ko nakakahiya dahil we have real ballerinas sa group and I felt very undeserving. She said she would give me a one-on-one class and help me train.

The next day they gave me pointe shoes. It was an old pair tapos wala pa siyang ribbon. I remember holding it for the first time, wearing it, sawing then tying the ribbon around my foot and then finally standing on my toes for the first time. It was magical. Parang nag-flashback din sa akin 'yung very first ballet class ko. It felt like all the classes I took were lined at my back, they were holding me up to keep my balance.

To many, sapatos lang 'yan but to some, it represented something larger than life itself.

Being a dancer taught me a lot of things. Wearing those shoes made me realize that no one is entitled. You work hard for what you want and nothing is served on a platter.

It's easy to complain and rant but, hunny, have you done your homework?