Stay High

I was in college when this song was released. Back then, it was an "okay" song for me and didn't make any meaning to my life... I was definitely living a dream back then. Being a part of a school dance company, being surrounded by friends, and having a great time. There was no social media, unlike today. There was no need to have the approval of people you don't know. Everything was just exclusive to your own circle. I was not chasing anything, I was living at the moment.

Lately, this song has been playing through my head whenever I see or hear all these crazy stuff happening everywhere. People would really go out of their way to make a scene, to have viral/trending posts, all for the sole purpose of gaining likes and shares. Popularity? Maybe, but it's fleeting. Like in a day or two, no one is going to remember while a new photo, video, or topic is gaining popularity.

This thing is going round and round, a cycle that we keep on chasing so we can keep up. Sometimes it feels like the system is driving us and not the other way around. We spend more and more time looking down, chasing Pokémons rather than looking at someone's eyes. It's like someone's physical presence is boring us and we prefer seeing them on tiny boxes and circles in our screens.

I am guilty. Almost everyone's guilty. (I still know some people who doesn't have a social media addiction)

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

•••

Edit: why did I write a blog about this?

This is crazy... I've lost some sleep because the last thing I was reading the night before is some news of a baranggay captain (rumored to be gay) slain by three young men. I found out about it through a shared status on Facebook tagging two of the three suspects. When I clicked the names, they were two very good looking young men who I've seen before on social media. They had some followings for being very handsome and they post a lot of shirtless content.

I don't know. I feel bad on how a very promising life was put to waste, all for what, money? An iPhone? They stole 300 thousand pesos from the man. Is that how much a person's life is?

Everything's a PERFECT ILLUSION.

Inactive, Reactive, Deactivate

I haven't written an entry here for years. I guess that's what happens at the age of Facebook and Twitter... the social media. Unlike those days when there was only a diary/journal or a blog, you spend the whole day collecting your emotions and thoughts so when you go home, you write them all down. What you create are beautiful entries, sometimes truthful, sometimes an enhanced version of memories that years later still feel intense.

I think the problem with the ease brought about by the social media is we've developed the habit of "tearing" up ourselves into tiny pieces then send it out to the world. Like we're on a park with a loaf of bread on our hands. We feel something, we think of something, then we get that small piece of information and throw it out into the open hoping someone (a bird) will take it. Then we come home left empty handed... nothing to digest on. We forget to feed ourselves. We forget to let our emotions develop and be processed within. We come home and feed on the comments provided by those birds aka our social media friends.

• • •

Today I have temporarily deactivated (again) my Facebook account as each day becomes very hard to avoid all the negativities posted. Negativities coming from people who I don't see very often. People who actually doesn't even exist on my daily routine. People who doesn't even equate to a necessity in my entire life. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

This is just crazy. When I was in high school, no one imagined that the world would eventually come into this. It's driving me nuts. I am becoming a person I can't stand as I become very whiny and complaining about all the people I see – people that I DO NOT NEED.

Thus... DEACTIVATE.

I need to breathe. I need space. I need to fine tune these channels of information.

My family and true friends, they are the only ones that matter.

realization about age... there's nothing to be afraid of

what i learned today after taking classes from THE LAB 3:

parang totoo 'yung "you can't teach an old dog some new tricks" na kasabihan -- hahaha, did i just call myself an old dog?

but seriously, i've watched a video of me dancing Calvin's routine and kita ko na parang may struggle... but i'm perfectly fine with it, kanya-kanyang perception lang siguro 'yan. kung paano mo tatanggapin ang katotohan!

i've realized kasi na there will come a point in your life as a dancer na TALAGANG magsisimula nang mag-degenerate 'yung kakayanan ng katawan mo to make movements beautiful (commercial beautiful). BUT, that shouldn't stop you from learning new things.

magkaiba naman kasi 'yung learning new concepts, movements, and ideas sa learning how to execute them just like the dancers in their early 20's! the first is learning to receive while the second is learning to give... your mind and body shouldn't stop from receiving, learning everything while you can.

as an artist, as creators, our role is to take it all in and make these pieces a part of us... because everything that we create are fragments of the things we have collected so far in this life.

and that ability to create, my friends, it gets better and better with age.

:-)

how are you?

there is power in a simple yet honest "how are you?"

today, i received a very random short message from a friend from the US, "hi kuya, kumusta?" knowing him, he knows i'm in a lot of tasks these days and i really needed that.

we all need that... even for just a moment, someone to just ask us if we're still doing good. one sincere question can mean, "hey, hang in there, i'm here to listen."

***

i'm seeing posts lately on facebook about a woman who just committed suicide. apparently, we have common friends. while i was looking at my friends' posts about her, it made me think what runs in the mind of a person who's about to take that that "brave" leap of faith.

do they actually feel comfort? is it comforting to know that once they pulled the trigger or jumped off the terrace, everything will be over?

do they have hope? hope as in, once they lose everything here on earth, they will wake up feeling better in another place or dimension?

***

today i want to ask myself, "hey, are you still okay?"

because most of the time, when you are so good with what you do, people forget you are just human and you have needs too. there are times that the only friend you can depend on is yourself... so stop and ask yourself, "am i still doing good?"

***

THE POWER OF "HOW ARE YOU?"

random lang.

kapag nailalabas mo 'yung sama ng loob mo, minsan parang krump 'yung feel, nakakapanghina. hindi ko tuloy alam kung if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

basta ang alam ko, kahit na ano pang paniniwala na need maging positive sa lahat ng panahon, importante rin once in a while na ina-acknowledge mo 'yung sama ng loob mo. kung hindi mo ilalabas 'yan, maiipon sila and magiging lason inside.

ikaw pa rin ang mamamatay sa sarili mong lason. better release them, right?

paano sinisimulan ang Pag-Paalam?

in March 2010, i became part of GMA Network as a creative developer and writer. i remember brainstorming for different shows and was even a part of a group that developed the new format of Party Pilipinas. we developed the concept of a theme-based show, and segments like Sayaw Pilipinas.

during that time, hindi ko na-imagine na magiging totoong parte ako ng show na ito bilang sumasayaw pa kami sa iba.

as i now write the treatment, my last dance treatment for Sayaw Pilipinas para sa finalé episode ng Party Pilipinas, ang sarap balikan how we started three years ago. mula sa literal na hindi ko halos kilala lahat ng mga tao, to not just knowing but really loving all the people na bumubuo ng show na ito--mula sa mga bossing hanggang kina Ate Marge ng catering. ganito pala ang feeling na katulong kang magtapos ng bagay na naging bahagi ka rin ng pagbuo, pagbuhay. it's like taking a bullet The Matrix style, mabagal ang anticipation sa sakit.

i have grown not just as a dancer but as a leader, a choreographer, a part of a team... a family. i can't imagine now kung paano namin magagawa ang maraming endeavors ng *ADDLIB kung hindi kami naging bahagi ng show. kung hindi kami buong Pusong tinanggap at minahal ng mga tao dito.

***

and as i start this week, the final stretch, i'd like to thank all the amazing people i've worked with through Party Pilipinas. our directors, Direk Rommel, Direk Mark, Direk Treb; our mothers/ates, Tita Bang, Ms Mae, Ms Gina; all the writers, Haydee, Ate Mike, Stan, Florence, Yani, Buboy, at marami pa; mga tao sa studio, Kuya Archie, Ate Agnes, Mega, Tess Bomb, Sir James; the musicians, The Opera; the two Pauls of Party Pilipinas, Paul Infante and Paul Chia.

ang mga kapatid kong mananayaw: Manoeuvres, Sexbomb, Max Movement, Seven, Groove Jackz at sa lahat ng mga kapwa kong choreographers, Miggy, Kuya Donald, Kuya Bong, Kuya James, Kuya Reagan (ako lang pala ang babae, teehee). mami-miss ko kayong lahat! sa aming Nanay, Tita Geleen--salamat Tita sa mga aral na binigay ninyo sa akin, at pagtulong sa ADDLIB makarating sa Australia.

sa lahat ng artista ng Party Pilipinas na nagtiwala sa *ADDLIB... lalong-lalo na sa mga Muses namin na nagpapa-inspire sa amin linggo-linggo: French, Julie, Yassi, Wyn, Mayton, Diva, Rochelle, Aira, Vaness at lalong-lalo na sa mga mahal kong marszt: Shin at Kyla... salamat at nakasama ko kayo sa loob ng tatlong taon. YOU ARE MY QUEENS!

sa mga new bessies ko: Daryl Maat and Straw Sisperez--my fellow Unicorns. UNICORNS ARE FOREVER tandaan niyo 'yan!

sa taong linggo-linggo kong kabatuhan ng mga ideas, nakikinig sa mga hinaing hanggang sa mga spiritual issues, hehehe, Ate Georgy! thank you for all the help, dami ko pong natutunan sa inyo. salamat din for letting us know kung may kulang at pag-boost ng morale namin every time. Ms Lally, thank you rin po sa pagmamahal sa amin.

sa kauna-unahang direktor na nagpaiyak sa akin, na nasundan pa ng maraming beses... sa lahat ng pressure, test kung gaano kabilis mag-isip ng adjustments, sa lahat ng mga ideya, sa lahat ng criticism, sa lahat ng pag-push sa amin para sa ikahuhusay pa namin... Direk Rico, maraming-maraming salamat po, kung hindi dahil sa inyo hindi kami magiging part ng Party Pilipinas.

higit sa lahat, gusto kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng nanonood, sumusuporta (kasama na rin ang linggo-linggong bashers) at nagmamahal sa show. hindi ko man kayo kilala lahat, pero kung wala kayo, hindi magtatagal ang show ng tatlong taon. hanggang sa susunod pong pagkakataon na mapapasaya namin kayo!

***

hindi pa naman ito ang katapusan, maraming-marami pang shows na magagawa. alam ko na ilang beses ko pang makakasama ang karamihan sa kanila. ang masakit ay ang maging bahagi ng katapusan ng isang era, ng isang malaking bahagi ng buhay na hindi lang naglagay ng laman sa bulsa, kundi laman sa Puso na kailanman ay hindi mawawala.

PARTY PILIPINAS FOREVER! :-)

Red Constellation

to the unnamed ninja of the full moon,

it was weeks prior to your leaving, i had a strange dream. i was standing on the roof of a castle, when i looked out, instead of the usually familiar sight of different houses, i saw a vast red sea and a curious moon passing across the similarly red sky. the moon stopped for a moment, like in a rendezvous, waiting to be swallowed by an eclipse. but instead of a black shadow overcasting him, the moon did not disappear but instead turned red as well.

when i woke up from the strange dream, i tried hard to give meaning. i know dreams usually don't make sense but i was afraid something terrible might happen. while awake, i try to recall, during the dream i felt calmness. i was not afraid. i just welcomed it.

***

it was almost a decade ago when i first saw you. my heart skipped a beat, but my mind was telling me i knew better. we are from separate worlds. what illusion that might play in my head will just stay as it is. an imagination.

i need to protect myself. go back to the castle and never trust anyone.

***

dear ninja,

you never really tried to disguise who you really are. you are the kind who would not need a mask to cover up because you are a natural. you were born with that worldly beauty that effortlessly hides the unexplainable trait of a soul that words cannot describe.

it was just one night. when you let me know who you really are, i cannot say i was at peace. i just want to close my eyes and for that moment let the surge of your waves take me, drown me into the abyss i was so afraid of all my life. for when you take me and engulf me, even though there might not be eternal stillness, i knew i was not afraid. i knew you, and i am not alone.

***

to the man who will not be named,

i am an empress. i have built these walls high and mighty to protect me. but i never knew these walls cannot protect me from myself. i was sad and lonely.

one night you came, asking for my help, someone to talk to, someone to listen. you are actually asking me to lend an ear. back then i wondered how you were able to break down those walls and now i realized, "of course, you are a ninja." you climbed them.

how can it be that you were able to change my mind about you? you changed the course of the tides, you came at the time when all of my guards were down.

***

it was a full moon when you left. gone forever.

but unlike every other man from my past, you did not leave by taking my heart. you left an imprint.

in my head, under a full moon on a distant parallel universe, there are no seas or walls between us. in my head, there is a night shared that lasts forever.

you are the only man i knew who could understand me. in my head, i will keep on repeating every single sound you have made. even though the words of love are not meant for me, that night i loved you and you have loved me.

you are the moon, i am the sea.

***

to my found and lost soulmate-on-a-distant-parallel-universe -----------,

i will be waiting.