Reset: New Home, Learnings, and Awakening

I moved to a new place on the last day of July after four years of living in my previous place. So I opened August living in a new home, new bed, and (some) new furnishings with my two cats. I needed this. It gave me a different perspective and approach to life. It allowed me to feel a "reset" in my life.

July was a heavy month, wasn't it? With all the retrograde energy and the negativities, August was really a breath of fresh air.

Since moving here, I have made it as a daily ritual to meditate at least once a day. One in the morning, after feeding the cats and the plants (before breakfast) and second, before going to sleep (as a day-finisher).

Meditation has given me so much peace of mind and has brought me to many discoveries and learnings. I have realized that 2019 is really my year of Spiritual Awakening. It started in January when I got really sick that for months, I was in denial of all the negativities that I have been carrying. Then something happened around May that made me realize that I was living with "fake positivity."

I had a melt down in May because of too much alcohol. I knew it had to stop. Alcohol is not a solution to feeling lonely. Me plus alcohol are a bad combination, for myself and for the people around me.

Step one for my Awakening was: eliminate Alcoholism.

There are still occasions when I would drink a little (not going to lie here). At least, we have eliminated the need to get wasted and the constant desire to drink every weekend. That's one.

Step two: Fresh Start.

Not everyone can have a luxury of moving from a new place. I was lucky that this changing of home gave me a fresh start where I can leave my accumulated negative energies behind. Not that you can escape negativities if you don't deal with them. I am just saying, it helps to start fresh.

Step three: Meditate. Meditate. Meditate.

Good news: meditation is for free! Anyone can do it. It's not a luxury. It's a necessity that I encourage everyone to start practicing it even for just a few minutes a day. If you are still reading this post, you came here because you wanted to be awakened yourself. This is the nudge you need. Do it. Do it now. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Focus on the air you inhale and exhale. Meditation is not high science or something only experts can practice. No. It's simply awareness of your being.

Learnings:

1. I have become more patient with people. I still get mad, but unlike before that I am like on an autopilot mode, I am more aware now when I am angry that I can easily snap out of it.
2. Cleaning your home is important. 😂Maintaining the quality of your living space is a reflection of the quality of your mind and of your life. Accumulating dirt is accumulating negative energies. Before, I would let dishes remain unwashed FOR DAYS (yuck, I know) because I am that lazy! Making an effort to clean your space is making an effort to clean your life.
3. I now acknowledge the existence of DIVINITY. Yes. I am still an atheist (I don't believe in the "god" of the religions) BUT, I believe now in spirituality, in a Higher Self, in the Source. This is the most important part of my Awakening. There are still so many things to learn and let go (like fear and anger).
4. Our pets are our companions, guides, and protectors. I am so happy that I chose Midnight (my zen/yin white cat) and Morning (my warrior/protector, energetic black cat). These two really help me feel more love and compassion daily.
5. There are people you don't see or talk to anymore for a reason – they do not match your frequency or your vibration. Yes, most of them are your friends (or even family), but your vibration will dictate who will be in your reality. Do not force it or you will only lower your frequency for them. Respect their journey.

Love and Light.

Paper Cut

I am finally writing about you.

I wish that I have put into writing the things that we did while they were still fresh in my memory. I wish that I have put into words the emotions that I felt when you were with me. I wish that I have written about you when I was in the middle of that blissful period of time when I knew you love me too.

I wish I am not writing about you.

I wish that I am not writing about you because these words are words of goodbye. I wish I am not writing about acknowledging the emotions I feel now that you are not with me. I wish I am not writing about regrets and wishes that you still love me too.

Because I cannot unwrite you.

I cannot unwrite the memories that I see in every corner of our table, in left over papers and plastics, in mugs and pans, in stains on the stove, and every dust that were left unmoved. I cannot unwrite you. That even if I acknowledge the pain, what stands out are the sound of our laughter, your scent that lingers on me even after I shower, the conversations and dreams on papers and plastics, and the kisses that make our lips bleed. I cannot unwrite the blissful memories because erasing them leaves paper cuts that remind me I still love you.

I wish I wrote about you.

I wish I wrote about that moment when I first saw you coming down the escalator, when we spent only less than an hour together and I already cannot let go of you. I wish I wrote about all the little surprises that makes you, you. The letters, the gifts, and the sketches on papers that I knew you think of me.

I wish I wrote about how cruel I was to you, how I easily felt comfortable about your love that I forgot about you losing you. I wish I wrote about your eyes. I wish I wrote about your smile. I wish I wrote about your embrace that makes every weariness disappear. I wish I wrote about you so that I could have seen every detail that is beautiful, ugly, and special that makes you, you.

I wish I wrote about you while you still love me too.

The End and Beginning

Last night's experience is so symbolic not just for me, but for the entire The Addlib Family. If you've seen both our pieces from last year and this year, you've noticed a lot of similarities. Our piece last night started where we ended last year, then we finished where we started last year.

Life is a cycle – we fight, we struggle until we succeed. We shine bright only to burn and die... then rise from the ashes again.

WE DID IT! Sabi nga ni Dora, ni Boots, at lahat ng mga bata. We defeated our greatest enemy... hindi si Swiper, but OURSELVES. It's so hard to compete with yourself, last year's winner, paano mo siya lalampasan?

To our A*B*C members: Ashley, Anna, Melanna, Jelai, Daniel – at your age, you've proven na wala sa edad masusukat ang passion for dance. Napakarami niyo pang masasayawang competitions, and I can't wait to see you all bloom.

To our former The LAB students: Kriserla, Ria, Nikki, Alvek, Mhark – I'm so proud to see your journey from the side of the stage watching your teachers perform at ngayon, you are them.

To the members of last year's team: Ralph, JP, Khym, Andred – BAWAL NGUMITI! hahaha, I'm proud of you, guys!

To THE CHOREOGRAPHERS: Jb, Jawi, Macki – salamat sa creative input ninyo and eagerness to learn more.

To my Associate Artistic Directors: Melong, Ed, Mikko – salamat kasi nag-compete pa rin kayo kahit feeling oldie na kayo (hahaha) and busy with the sched (speaking in general). Umiinit na rin ang mga ulo ninyo, pero it's all part of the process. Salamat!

Big shout out to Guilbert & Sasa – the co-choreographers, main inspiration and mga pangunahing characters sa aming piyesa. You have represented your Wave so well. I'm so sure na they are proud of you dahil FINALLY napatunayan na ninyo ang legacy ng sixth wave!

At sa lahat ng mga naging parte ng The Addlib, maraming salamat sa iniwan ninyong inspiration, WE ALL SHOUTED YOUR NAME BEFORE PERFORMING!

Last night is an end of an era, but it's also a beginning of a new one. Isa na namang bagong TALA ang kailangan habulin at abutin. The journey has just begun! 🌟

#ADDLIBFOREVER #ToInfinityAndBeyond

Here's My Pointe

I'll never forget this one time back in my Salinggawi days nung nagalit sa aming mga apprentice si Mamachu kasi naka-jazz pants kami sa training, "Bakit, magagaling na ba kayo?" Back then sabi ko, "Wow, galit na siya n'on?"

Later on I realized na she said that because, one: "how can you correct lines kung ang arte na ng suot mo" and two: "bago ka mag-inarte, make sure magaling ka na." That became a part of my rule book, that in the dance world, everything is earned.

When I was 21, Teacher Georcelle asked me to dance on pointe, coz she had a concept in mind for a prod. Grabe 'yung pagtanggi ko kasi feeling ko nakakahiya dahil we have real ballerinas sa group and I felt very undeserving. She said she would give me a one-on-one class and help me train.

The next day they gave me pointe shoes. It was an old pair tapos wala pa siyang ribbon. I remember holding it for the first time, wearing it, sawing then tying the ribbon around my foot and then finally standing on my toes for the first time. It was magical. Parang nag-flashback din sa akin 'yung very first ballet class ko. It felt like all the classes I took were lined at my back, they were holding me up to keep my balance.

To many, sapatos lang 'yan but to some, it represented something larger than life itself.

Being a dancer taught me a lot of things. Wearing those shoes made me realize that no one is entitled. You work hard for what you want and nothing is served on a platter.

It's easy to complain and rant but, hunny, have you done your homework?

Here's My Pointe

I'll never forget this one time back in my Salinggawi days nung nagalit sa aming mga apprentice si Mamachu kasi naka-jazz pants kami sa training, "Bakit, magagaling na ba kayo?" Back then sabi ko, "Wow, galit na siya n'on?"

Later on I realized na she said that because, one: "how can you correct lines kung ang arte na ng suot mo" and two: "bago ka mag-inarte, make sure magaling ka na." That became a part of my rule book, that in the dance world, everything is earned.

When I was 21, Teacher Georcelle asked me to dance on pointe, coz she had a concept in mind for a prod. Grabe 'yung pagtanggi ko kasi feeling ko nakakahiya dahil we have real ballerinas sa group and I felt very undeserving. She said she would give me a one-on-one class and help me train.

The next day they gave me pointe shoes. It was an old pair tapos wala pa siyang ribbon. I remember holding it for the first time, wearing it, sawing then tying the ribbon around my foot and then finally standing on my toes for the first time. It was magical. Parang nag-flashback din sa akin 'yung very first ballet class ko. It felt like all the classes I took were lined at my back, they were holding me up to keep my balance.

To many, sapatos lang 'yan but to some, it represented something larger than life itself.

Being a dancer taught me a lot of things. Wearing those shoes made me realize that no one is entitled. You work hard for what you want and nothing is served on a platter.

It's easy to complain and rant but, hunny, have you done your homework?

Stay High

I was in college when this song was released. Back then, it was an "okay" song for me and didn't make any meaning to my life... I was definitely living a dream back then. Being a part of a school dance company, being surrounded by friends, and having a great time. There was no social media, unlike today. There was no need to have the approval of people you don't know. Everything was just exclusive to your own circle. I was not chasing anything, I was living at the moment.

Lately, this song has been playing through my head whenever I see or hear all these crazy stuff happening everywhere. People would really go out of their way to make a scene, to have viral/trending posts, all for the sole purpose of gaining likes and shares. Popularity? Maybe, but it's fleeting. Like in a day or two, no one is going to remember while a new photo, video, or topic is gaining popularity.

This thing is going round and round, a cycle that we keep on chasing so we can keep up. Sometimes it feels like the system is driving us and not the other way around. We spend more and more time looking down, chasing Pokémons rather than looking at someone's eyes. It's like someone's physical presence is boring us and we prefer seeing them on tiny boxes and circles in our screens.

I am guilty. Almost everyone's guilty. (I still know some people who doesn't have a social media addiction)

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

•••

Edit: why did I write a blog about this?

This is crazy... I've lost some sleep because the last thing I was reading the night before is some news of a baranggay captain (rumored to be gay) slain by three young men. I found out about it through a shared status on Facebook tagging two of the three suspects. When I clicked the names, they were two very good looking young men who I've seen before on social media. They had some followings for being very handsome and they post a lot of shirtless content.

I don't know. I feel bad on how a very promising life was put to waste, all for what, money? An iPhone? They stole 300 thousand pesos from the man. Is that how much a person's life is?

Everything's a PERFECT ILLUSION.

Inactive, Reactive, Deactivate

I haven't written an entry here for years. I guess that's what happens at the age of Facebook and Twitter... the social media. Unlike those days when there was only a diary/journal or a blog, you spend the whole day collecting your emotions and thoughts so when you go home, you write them all down. What you create are beautiful entries, sometimes truthful, sometimes an enhanced version of memories that years later still feel intense.

I think the problem with the ease brought about by the social media is we've developed the habit of "tearing" up ourselves into tiny pieces then send it out to the world. Like we're on a park with a loaf of bread on our hands. We feel something, we think of something, then we get that small piece of information and throw it out into the open hoping someone (a bird) will take it. Then we come home left empty handed... nothing to digest on. We forget to feed ourselves. We forget to let our emotions develop and be processed within. We come home and feed on the comments provided by those birds aka our social media friends.

• • •

Today I have temporarily deactivated (again) my Facebook account as each day becomes very hard to avoid all the negativities posted. Negativities coming from people who I don't see very often. People who actually doesn't even exist on my daily routine. People who doesn't even equate to a necessity in my entire life. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

This is just crazy. When I was in high school, no one imagined that the world would eventually come into this. It's driving me nuts. I am becoming a person I can't stand as I become very whiny and complaining about all the people I see – people that I DO NOT NEED.

Thus... DEACTIVATE.

I need to breathe. I need space. I need to fine tune these channels of information.

My family and true friends, they are the only ones that matter.