"an old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day"
that's just one of the saddest lines from one of my favorite songs. classic.
hindi ito blog about how amazing Ironic by Alanis Morissette is, and how a happy tune sings about the best ironies of life. but kung may soundtrack itong moment na ito ng buhay ko, that would be it.
***
when i was younger, i'd complain about how my world (in general) seems to stop me from doing the things that i want. i wanna be heard, i wanna be seen. feeling ko n'on, i have this so much potential at hindi lang ako hinahayaan na i-express ang sarili ko. ang daming hadlang, ang daming sagabal.
now that i'm on my late twenties, hindi ko na ata namalayan na i was eventually able to defeat (or at least ignore?) lahat ng mga gustong maging sagabal. dumating sa point na 'yung mga ginusto ko noon, nasabi kong, "ahh, na-achieve ko na pala sila."
***
at this age, i was very lucky to be in a position na nakikinig na ang mga tao sa ideas ko, sa anong mga gusto ko (i still have bosses, yes). i'm in the industry na gusto ko. masasabi ko ring i have a voice, sa wakas. i'm single, bukod sa pagsuporta sa aking mama, i have no other obligations bukod sa sarili ko. i'm free from any financial debts and i'm not living from paycheck to paycheck. i can shop when i want, i can buy shoes na noon eh katumbas na ng buong sweldo ko for a month.
hindi ito pagyayabang, sinasabi ko lang... at sinasabi ko sa sarili kong ang swerte ko at wala akong karapatang mag-drama ng ganito.
wala nga ba?
***
the irony i'm talking about is, just when you mastered Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and you think you now know all the tricks in living a perfect life; just when you think you are happy and satisfied with your life, and; just when when you think na nothing can stop you from doing what you want, you will suddenly do (or feel) things that make you fuck yourself up.
"what's wrong with me?!"
saan nanggagaling ito at bakit bigla akong hindi masaya? bakit bigla kong kinukwestyon lahat ng nagawa, ginagawa at mga gagawin ko palang na dapat ay nakaayon sa plano?
feeling ko pagod na ako (agad-agad?) and i want to stop but i can't because nanghihinayang naman ako sa lahat ng pinagsikapan ko and hindi na ako bata na bigla na lang aayaw dahil mas marami nang mga mas nakababatang umaasa naman sa akin... see? i've become my own prisoner. i'm a prisoner in my own head. malapit na malapit na akong maging trenta anyos at tatanggapin ko na lang bang habambuhay akong naka-auto pilot mode?
***
i'm so sad and i don't know why. i'm so scared but i wanna fight. i wanna escape but i'm afraid. i'm so ambitious but i'm too lazy (now).
isn't it ironic? don't you think?
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