You Are Loved

You are loved that time you held the elevator door for someone. It was when you gave your warmest smile to a stranger—not because you were seeking their approval, but simply because that’s how kind you are.

You are loved the moment you closed your eyes while listening to your favorite song. It was when you were at your most beautiful and vulnerable, living fully inside your own world.

You are loved that afternoon when you did not rush to find shelter as the rain began to pour. It was when you let the wind mess your hair and your clothes form temporary polka-dot patterns, embracing the simple joy of the moment.

You are loved during that movie night when you cried in the middle of a silly, funny scene. It was when you let your tears fall freely, and someone saw just how soft and tender your heart truly is.

You are loved that time you got so excited over a small, seemingly insignificant thing. The sparkle in your eyes glimmered with pure delight, without any pretense. Someone loved how you expressed happiness so freely, unafraid of judgment.

You are loved every time you do your little dance before taking the first bite of a meal. It’s a reminder that joy is found in the tiniest moments, and that joy lives in you.

You are most loved when you least try—not because you had to be anything or anyone else, but because you are most beautiful when you are just being you.

I wish you had the eyes to see how people love you in these moments. So you wouldn’t feel the need to look left and right, searching for someone’s gaze. But most of all, I hope you love yourself too, because everything you’ve been searching for is already inside you.

Coconut Tree

This morning, I woke up early and found myself doom-scrolling on TikTok. It was mindless at first—until I stumbled on a video about mothers. Something about it struck a chord deep within me, and I came to a profound realization: I am the last leaf on this branch of a tree that has been growing for millennia.

I miss my mother. Thinking about her brought me to thoughts of her mother, my grandmother, a woman I only knew for a brief moment. I began to reflect on all the things I would never know about them—all the stories they carried, all the secrets they buried with them. I saw myself as part of this long, continuous journey, an endless thread weaving lives together across time. The year is 2024, and the cells in my body hold knowledge and wisdom passed down through generations.

I have long decided I will never have a child. The stories in my body will not be passed on to the next generation. I am a leaf that will never become a branch. This realization is both sad and beautiful. It saddens me to know I will never witness another life blossom out of my existence. Yet there is power in holding this last key—an autonomy in knowing that this is where my line ends.

I feel a deep gratitude for all the nameless, faceless lives that came before me. They carried the vessel of life forward, through hardship and joy, to ensure that I could exist today. I think of Kamala Harris’s words: “Do you think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and came before you.” I have never truly understood that quote until today.

Grandmothers and daughters. Mothers and sons. We are not just one individual but echoes of a gong that began to sound many, many years ago. It is so beautiful. You are not just a poem but an epic—stories of love, pain, and endurance all woven to become you.

I did not just fall out of a coconut tree. I am the last leaf of my branch, carrying with me the legacy of countless lives before it falls to the earth. And I find beauty in that.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

About a month ago, I went into this really dark place. Being in the middle of this lockdown, I knew there was no escaping it. I needed healing. Healing from all my childhood traumas, past negative experiences, and old wounds.

I was very fortunate that through one of my Facebook posts, an unexpected person from my friends list messaged me and offered some help. This person became a "life coach" and helped me process these things through sessions where I get to share thoughts and experiences.

One of our exercises included me naming a person I hated the most. Through that person, we can study my triggers, the probable root cause of certain negativities, and most importantly, how can I resolve it.

I made a status update about this exercise weeks ago where I shared how I wrote a letter to a former mentor. All along, akala ko, forgetting someone is enough. Iba pala 'yung kinakalimutan mo lang 'yung experience (or just putting the past behind) sa talagang nakapagpatawad ka na. As long as there is pain or anger, you are not healed. The residue of that negative experience is still in your subconscious mind. No matter what you do, unknowingly, it will affect your actions and your decisions. Totoo pala 'yung you really become the monster that you hate.

Going back, as I was doing the exercise and writing the letter, I have realized something: "how can I ask for forgiveness from my former mentor kung ako mismo sa sarili ko, I can't forgive people who hurt me, especially my former students?" So I made a list of all the people I hate (LOL) or mga tao from my past that I feel I have unresolved issues with. One by one, I wrote each of them a letter.

Why am I sharing this today? I saw an interview of my idol Lady Gaga where she shared she needed to show kindness to the younger pop artists; something she never got from one of her idols (obviously, Madonna) when she was just starting in the industry. It was so beautiful and made me think of my position now as a teacher/mentor to the younger generation. To me, pwedeng wala lang 'yung mga bagay na nasabi or nagawa ko but to these kids who [once] look[ed] up to me, they meant the world to them.

These past few weeks have been both difficult and kind. Although "trapped" inside my home, undergoing this process has truly been liberating. My favorite quote from Kill Bill, "revenge is a dish best served cold," has changed its meaning... the best form of "revenge" is when you have forgiven people.

When you ask for forgiveness, it doesn't matter if you hear, "you are forgiven." You don't expect a reply. You pay it forward by forgiving the people who hurt you too.

When you forgive someone, you are no longer giving the person who hurt you the power over you... they can no longer unwittingly control your emotions and your actions. Also, you cannot expect kindness when you yourself haven't been kind. Just because someone was not able to show you the love you deserve, you will let yourself become the monster you hate.

Starseed

I have always been curious about life beyond earth and I know deep down that what we as humans are conditioned to know as the truth is far too simple than the grand scheme of the Universe.

I had this very vivid memory from when I was 3 or 4 years old. I knew it happened at that age because we moved to a new home when I was 5 or 6, and this memory happened in our old house.

It's the middle of the night, we were all sleeping in the living room. Everyone is already asleep when I woke up as if someone called me. I was just lying there, staring at the ceiling and wall of the living room when like magic, it dissolved and I was suddenly floating in space.

Looking back, it was not a bad memory. I remember being calm and not afraid. I looked around and I saw millions of stars from afar and there's a big red-orange-yellow planet on my left. Then I "heard" a voice. "Heard" because the voice is not actually talking in a language that I understand but I am pretty sure it was talking to me telepathically. I can understand. 

I already forgot the entire gist of what the voice is saying but all I can remember was, "don't forget" or "remember this." He/she was talking to me as if narrating a story and asking me to not forget. It's of utmost importance that I remember it. Then the voice showed me something. There are floating bodies being transported on an invisible conveyor belt. They are not dead, just sleeping. They were arrranged in two files, lying with their hands on their sides (like Shavasana pose). What they are wearing is an orange-y "costume" that is somehow similar to the time of Genghis Khan. They are being transported to somewhere.

It was so vivid and all I can remember was the voice was asking me to remember or to not forget.

All my life, I have been wanting to remember what was it that I was supposed to not forget. I was afraid to tell this to anyone, even to my parents, out of fear that they won't believe me, think that I'm losing my mind, or just inventing a story. I came to a point that even me, I am questioning myself if it really happened or just a product of my very colorful imagination. But how can a three or four year old invent something like that? 🤔 

Anyway, I am sharing this now not for anyone's approval or validation.

At 35 years old, I quite remember what that voice was asking me to remember or not forget. I thought that remembering is like a normal memory that you can get back in an instant. Remembering is a journey of collecting tiny information, like a baby eating from a spoon, then graduating to bigger and bigger meals. 

Finding the truth, I was obsessed with the Bible until I almost becamea Born Again Christian. Then it was not enough, I almost converted to Islam. Until I became an agnostic to being a negative and hating atheist, I finally had my awakening.

I guess, I wanna share this now after so long because I want to share to whoever reading this that life is so much more than what we are told. Listen to your instincts, don't be afraid to question existing dogmas, and find your truth. You will find it. ❤

Reset: New Home, Learnings, and Awakening

I moved to a new place on the last day of July after four years of living in my previous place. So I opened August living in a new home, new bed, and (some) new furnishings with my two cats. I needed this. It gave me a different perspective and approach to life. It allowed me to feel a "reset" in my life.

July was a heavy month, wasn't it? With all the retrograde energy and the negativities, August was really a breath of fresh air.

Since moving here, I have made it as a daily ritual to meditate at least once a day. One in the morning, after feeding the cats and the plants (before breakfast) and second, before going to sleep (as a day-finisher).

Meditation has given me so much peace of mind and has brought me to many discoveries and learnings. I have realized that 2019 is really my year of Spiritual Awakening. It started in January when I got really sick that for months, I was in denial of all the negativities that I have been carrying. Then something happened around May that made me realize that I was living with "fake positivity."

I had a melt down in May because of too much alcohol. I knew it had to stop. Alcohol is not a solution to feeling lonely. Me plus alcohol are a bad combination, for myself and for the people around me.

Step one for my Awakening was: eliminate Alcoholism.

There are still occasions when I would drink a little (not going to lie here). At least, we have eliminated the need to get wasted and the constant desire to drink every weekend. That's one.

Step two: Fresh Start.

Not everyone can have a luxury of moving from a new place. I was lucky that this changing of home gave me a fresh start where I can leave my accumulated negative energies behind. Not that you can escape negativities if you don't deal with them. I am just saying, it helps to start fresh.

Step three: Meditate. Meditate. Meditate.

Good news: meditation is for free! Anyone can do it. It's not a luxury. It's a necessity that I encourage everyone to start practicing it even for just a few minutes a day. If you are still reading this post, you came here because you wanted to be awakened yourself. This is the nudge you need. Do it. Do it now. Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Focus on the air you inhale and exhale. Meditation is not high science or something only experts can practice. No. It's simply awareness of your being.

Learnings:

1. I have become more patient with people. I still get mad, but unlike before that I am like on an autopilot mode, I am more aware now when I am angry that I can easily snap out of it.
2. Cleaning your home is important. 😂Maintaining the quality of your living space is a reflection of the quality of your mind and of your life. Accumulating dirt is accumulating negative energies. Before, I would let dishes remain unwashed FOR DAYS (yuck, I know) because I am that lazy! Making an effort to clean your space is making an effort to clean your life.
3. I now acknowledge the existence of DIVINITY. Yes. I am still an atheist (I don't believe in the "god" of the religions) BUT, I believe now in spirituality, in a Higher Self, in the Source. This is the most important part of my Awakening. There are still so many things to learn and let go (like fear and anger).
4. Our pets are our companions, guides, and protectors. I am so happy that I chose Midnight (my zen/yin white cat) and Morning (my warrior/protector, energetic black cat). These two really help me feel more love and compassion daily.
5. There are people you don't see or talk to anymore for a reason – they do not match your frequency or your vibration. Yes, most of them are your friends (or even family), but your vibration will dictate who will be in your reality. Do not force it or you will only lower your frequency for them. Respect their journey.

Love and Light.

Paper Cut

I am finally writing about you.

I wish that I have put into writing the things that we did while they were still fresh in my memory. I wish that I have put into words the emotions that I felt when you were with me. I wish that I have written about you when I was in the middle of that blissful period of time when I knew you love me too.

I wish I am not writing about you.

I wish that I am not writing about you because these words are words of goodbye. I wish I am not writing about acknowledging the emotions I feel now that you are not with me. I wish I am not writing about regrets and wishes that you still love me too.

Because I cannot unwrite you.

I cannot unwrite the memories that I see in every corner of our table, in left over papers and plastics, in mugs and pans, in stains on the stove, and every dust that were left unmoved. I cannot unwrite you. That even if I acknowledge the pain, what stands out are the sound of our laughter, your scent that lingers on me even after I shower, the conversations and dreams on papers and plastics, and the kisses that make our lips bleed. I cannot unwrite the blissful memories because erasing them leaves paper cuts that remind me I still love you.

I wish I wrote about you.

I wish I wrote about that moment when I first saw you coming down the escalator, when we spent only less than an hour together and I already cannot let go of you. I wish I wrote about all the little surprises that makes you, you. The letters, the gifts, and the sketches on papers that I knew you think of me.

I wish I wrote about how cruel I was to you, how I easily felt comfortable about your love that I forgot about you losing you. I wish I wrote about your eyes. I wish I wrote about your smile. I wish I wrote about your embrace that makes every weariness disappear. I wish I wrote about you so that I could have seen every detail that is beautiful, ugly, and special that makes you, you.

I wish I wrote about you while you still love me too.

The End and Beginning

Last night's experience is so symbolic not just for me, but for the entire The Addlib Family. If you've seen both our pieces from last year and this year, you've noticed a lot of similarities. Our piece last night started where we ended last year, then we finished where we started last year.

Life is a cycle – we fight, we struggle until we succeed. We shine bright only to burn and die... then rise from the ashes again.

WE DID IT! Sabi nga ni Dora, ni Boots, at lahat ng mga bata. We defeated our greatest enemy... hindi si Swiper, but OURSELVES. It's so hard to compete with yourself, last year's winner, paano mo siya lalampasan?

To our A*B*C members: Ashley, Anna, Melanna, Jelai, Daniel – at your age, you've proven na wala sa edad masusukat ang passion for dance. Napakarami niyo pang masasayawang competitions, and I can't wait to see you all bloom.

To our former The LAB students: Kriserla, Ria, Nikki, Alvek, Mhark – I'm so proud to see your journey from the side of the stage watching your teachers perform at ngayon, you are them.

To the members of last year's team: Ralph, JP, Khym, Andred – BAWAL NGUMITI! hahaha, I'm proud of you, guys!

To THE CHOREOGRAPHERS: Jb, Jawi, Macki – salamat sa creative input ninyo and eagerness to learn more.

To my Associate Artistic Directors: Melong, Ed, Mikko – salamat kasi nag-compete pa rin kayo kahit feeling oldie na kayo (hahaha) and busy with the sched (speaking in general). Umiinit na rin ang mga ulo ninyo, pero it's all part of the process. Salamat!

Big shout out to Guilbert & Sasa – the co-choreographers, main inspiration and mga pangunahing characters sa aming piyesa. You have represented your Wave so well. I'm so sure na they are proud of you dahil FINALLY napatunayan na ninyo ang legacy ng sixth wave!

At sa lahat ng mga naging parte ng The Addlib, maraming salamat sa iniwan ninyong inspiration, WE ALL SHOUTED YOUR NAME BEFORE PERFORMING!

Last night is an end of an era, but it's also a beginning of a new one. Isa na namang bagong TALA ang kailangan habulin at abutin. The journey has just begun! 🌟

#ADDLIBFOREVER #ToInfinityAndBeyond

Here's My Pointe

I'll never forget this one time back in my Salinggawi days nung nagalit sa aming mga apprentice si Mamachu kasi naka-jazz pants kami sa training, "Bakit, magagaling na ba kayo?" Back then sabi ko, "Wow, galit na siya n'on?"

Later on I realized na she said that because, one: "how can you correct lines kung ang arte na ng suot mo" and two: "bago ka mag-inarte, make sure magaling ka na." That became a part of my rule book, that in the dance world, everything is earned.

When I was 21, Teacher Georcelle asked me to dance on pointe, coz she had a concept in mind for a prod. Grabe 'yung pagtanggi ko kasi feeling ko nakakahiya dahil we have real ballerinas sa group and I felt very undeserving. She said she would give me a one-on-one class and help me train.

The next day they gave me pointe shoes. It was an old pair tapos wala pa siyang ribbon. I remember holding it for the first time, wearing it, sawing then tying the ribbon around my foot and then finally standing on my toes for the first time. It was magical. Parang nag-flashback din sa akin 'yung very first ballet class ko. It felt like all the classes I took were lined at my back, they were holding me up to keep my balance.

To many, sapatos lang 'yan but to some, it represented something larger than life itself.

Being a dancer taught me a lot of things. Wearing those shoes made me realize that no one is entitled. You work hard for what you want and nothing is served on a platter.

It's easy to complain and rant but, hunny, have you done your homework?

Here's My Pointe

I'll never forget this one time back in my Salinggawi days nung nagalit sa aming mga apprentice si Mamachu kasi naka-jazz pants kami sa training, "Bakit, magagaling na ba kayo?" Back then sabi ko, "Wow, galit na siya n'on?"

Later on I realized na she said that because, one: "how can you correct lines kung ang arte na ng suot mo" and two: "bago ka mag-inarte, make sure magaling ka na." That became a part of my rule book, that in the dance world, everything is earned.

When I was 21, Teacher Georcelle asked me to dance on pointe, coz she had a concept in mind for a prod. Grabe 'yung pagtanggi ko kasi feeling ko nakakahiya dahil we have real ballerinas sa group and I felt very undeserving. She said she would give me a one-on-one class and help me train.

The next day they gave me pointe shoes. It was an old pair tapos wala pa siyang ribbon. I remember holding it for the first time, wearing it, sawing then tying the ribbon around my foot and then finally standing on my toes for the first time. It was magical. Parang nag-flashback din sa akin 'yung very first ballet class ko. It felt like all the classes I took were lined at my back, they were holding me up to keep my balance.

To many, sapatos lang 'yan but to some, it represented something larger than life itself.

Being a dancer taught me a lot of things. Wearing those shoes made me realize that no one is entitled. You work hard for what you want and nothing is served on a platter.

It's easy to complain and rant but, hunny, have you done your homework?

Stay High

I was in college when this song was released. Back then, it was an "okay" song for me and didn't make any meaning to my life... I was definitely living a dream back then. Being a part of a school dance company, being surrounded by friends, and having a great time. There was no social media, unlike today. There was no need to have the approval of people you don't know. Everything was just exclusive to your own circle. I was not chasing anything, I was living at the moment.

Lately, this song has been playing through my head whenever I see or hear all these crazy stuff happening everywhere. People would really go out of their way to make a scene, to have viral/trending posts, all for the sole purpose of gaining likes and shares. Popularity? Maybe, but it's fleeting. Like in a day or two, no one is going to remember while a new photo, video, or topic is gaining popularity.

This thing is going round and round, a cycle that we keep on chasing so we can keep up. Sometimes it feels like the system is driving us and not the other way around. We spend more and more time looking down, chasing Pokémons rather than looking at someone's eyes. It's like someone's physical presence is boring us and we prefer seeing them on tiny boxes and circles in our screens.

I am guilty. Almost everyone's guilty. (I still know some people who doesn't have a social media addiction)

"There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me."

•••

Edit: why did I write a blog about this?

This is crazy... I've lost some sleep because the last thing I was reading the night before is some news of a baranggay captain (rumored to be gay) slain by three young men. I found out about it through a shared status on Facebook tagging two of the three suspects. When I clicked the names, they were two very good looking young men who I've seen before on social media. They had some followings for being very handsome and they post a lot of shirtless content.

I don't know. I feel bad on how a very promising life was put to waste, all for what, money? An iPhone? They stole 300 thousand pesos from the man. Is that how much a person's life is?

Everything's a PERFECT ILLUSION.

Inactive, Reactive, Deactivate

I haven't written an entry here for years. I guess that's what happens at the age of Facebook and Twitter... the social media. Unlike those days when there was only a diary/journal or a blog, you spend the whole day collecting your emotions and thoughts so when you go home, you write them all down. What you create are beautiful entries, sometimes truthful, sometimes an enhanced version of memories that years later still feel intense.

I think the problem with the ease brought about by the social media is we've developed the habit of "tearing" up ourselves into tiny pieces then send it out to the world. Like we're on a park with a loaf of bread on our hands. We feel something, we think of something, then we get that small piece of information and throw it out into the open hoping someone (a bird) will take it. Then we come home left empty handed... nothing to digest on. We forget to feed ourselves. We forget to let our emotions develop and be processed within. We come home and feed on the comments provided by those birds aka our social media friends.

• • •

Today I have temporarily deactivated (again) my Facebook account as each day becomes very hard to avoid all the negativities posted. Negativities coming from people who I don't see very often. People who actually doesn't even exist on my daily routine. People who doesn't even equate to a necessity in my entire life. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

This is just crazy. When I was in high school, no one imagined that the world would eventually come into this. It's driving me nuts. I am becoming a person I can't stand as I become very whiny and complaining about all the people I see – people that I DO NOT NEED.

Thus... DEACTIVATE.

I need to breathe. I need space. I need to fine tune these channels of information.

My family and true friends, they are the only ones that matter.

realization about age... there's nothing to be afraid of

what i learned today after taking classes from THE LAB 3:

parang totoo 'yung "you can't teach an old dog some new tricks" na kasabihan -- hahaha, did i just call myself an old dog?

but seriously, i've watched a video of me dancing Calvin's routine and kita ko na parang may struggle... but i'm perfectly fine with it, kanya-kanyang perception lang siguro 'yan. kung paano mo tatanggapin ang katotohan!

i've realized kasi na there will come a point in your life as a dancer na TALAGANG magsisimula nang mag-degenerate 'yung kakayanan ng katawan mo to make movements beautiful (commercial beautiful). BUT, that shouldn't stop you from learning new things.

magkaiba naman kasi 'yung learning new concepts, movements, and ideas sa learning how to execute them just like the dancers in their early 20's! the first is learning to receive while the second is learning to give... your mind and body shouldn't stop from receiving, learning everything while you can.

as an artist, as creators, our role is to take it all in and make these pieces a part of us... because everything that we create are fragments of the things we have collected so far in this life.

and that ability to create, my friends, it gets better and better with age.

:-)

how are you?

there is power in a simple yet honest "how are you?"

today, i received a very random short message from a friend from the US, "hi kuya, kumusta?" knowing him, he knows i'm in a lot of tasks these days and i really needed that.

we all need that... even for just a moment, someone to just ask us if we're still doing good. one sincere question can mean, "hey, hang in there, i'm here to listen."

***

i'm seeing posts lately on facebook about a woman who just committed suicide. apparently, we have common friends. while i was looking at my friends' posts about her, it made me think what runs in the mind of a person who's about to take that that "brave" leap of faith.

do they actually feel comfort? is it comforting to know that once they pulled the trigger or jumped off the terrace, everything will be over?

do they have hope? hope as in, once they lose everything here on earth, they will wake up feeling better in another place or dimension?

***

today i want to ask myself, "hey, are you still okay?"

because most of the time, when you are so good with what you do, people forget you are just human and you have needs too. there are times that the only friend you can depend on is yourself... so stop and ask yourself, "am i still doing good?"

***

THE POWER OF "HOW ARE YOU?"

random lang.

kapag nailalabas mo 'yung sama ng loob mo, minsan parang krump 'yung feel, nakakapanghina. hindi ko tuloy alam kung if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

basta ang alam ko, kahit na ano pang paniniwala na need maging positive sa lahat ng panahon, importante rin once in a while na ina-acknowledge mo 'yung sama ng loob mo. kung hindi mo ilalabas 'yan, maiipon sila and magiging lason inside.

ikaw pa rin ang mamamatay sa sarili mong lason. better release them, right?

paano sinisimulan ang Pag-Paalam?

in March 2010, i became part of GMA Network as a creative developer and writer. i remember brainstorming for different shows and was even a part of a group that developed the new format of Party Pilipinas. we developed the concept of a theme-based show, and segments like Sayaw Pilipinas.

during that time, hindi ko na-imagine na magiging totoong parte ako ng show na ito bilang sumasayaw pa kami sa iba.

as i now write the treatment, my last dance treatment for Sayaw Pilipinas para sa finalé episode ng Party Pilipinas, ang sarap balikan how we started three years ago. mula sa literal na hindi ko halos kilala lahat ng mga tao, to not just knowing but really loving all the people na bumubuo ng show na ito--mula sa mga bossing hanggang kina Ate Marge ng catering. ganito pala ang feeling na katulong kang magtapos ng bagay na naging bahagi ka rin ng pagbuo, pagbuhay. it's like taking a bullet The Matrix style, mabagal ang anticipation sa sakit.

i have grown not just as a dancer but as a leader, a choreographer, a part of a team... a family. i can't imagine now kung paano namin magagawa ang maraming endeavors ng *ADDLIB kung hindi kami naging bahagi ng show. kung hindi kami buong Pusong tinanggap at minahal ng mga tao dito.

***

and as i start this week, the final stretch, i'd like to thank all the amazing people i've worked with through Party Pilipinas. our directors, Direk Rommel, Direk Mark, Direk Treb; our mothers/ates, Tita Bang, Ms Mae, Ms Gina; all the writers, Haydee, Ate Mike, Stan, Florence, Yani, Buboy, at marami pa; mga tao sa studio, Kuya Archie, Ate Agnes, Mega, Tess Bomb, Sir James; the musicians, The Opera; the two Pauls of Party Pilipinas, Paul Infante and Paul Chia.

ang mga kapatid kong mananayaw: Manoeuvres, Sexbomb, Max Movement, Seven, Groove Jackz at sa lahat ng mga kapwa kong choreographers, Miggy, Kuya Donald, Kuya Bong, Kuya James, Kuya Reagan (ako lang pala ang babae, teehee). mami-miss ko kayong lahat! sa aming Nanay, Tita Geleen--salamat Tita sa mga aral na binigay ninyo sa akin, at pagtulong sa ADDLIB makarating sa Australia.

sa lahat ng artista ng Party Pilipinas na nagtiwala sa *ADDLIB... lalong-lalo na sa mga Muses namin na nagpapa-inspire sa amin linggo-linggo: French, Julie, Yassi, Wyn, Mayton, Diva, Rochelle, Aira, Vaness at lalong-lalo na sa mga mahal kong marszt: Shin at Kyla... salamat at nakasama ko kayo sa loob ng tatlong taon. YOU ARE MY QUEENS!

sa mga new bessies ko: Daryl Maat and Straw Sisperez--my fellow Unicorns. UNICORNS ARE FOREVER tandaan niyo 'yan!

sa taong linggo-linggo kong kabatuhan ng mga ideas, nakikinig sa mga hinaing hanggang sa mga spiritual issues, hehehe, Ate Georgy! thank you for all the help, dami ko pong natutunan sa inyo. salamat din for letting us know kung may kulang at pag-boost ng morale namin every time. Ms Lally, thank you rin po sa pagmamahal sa amin.

sa kauna-unahang direktor na nagpaiyak sa akin, na nasundan pa ng maraming beses... sa lahat ng pressure, test kung gaano kabilis mag-isip ng adjustments, sa lahat ng mga ideya, sa lahat ng criticism, sa lahat ng pag-push sa amin para sa ikahuhusay pa namin... Direk Rico, maraming-maraming salamat po, kung hindi dahil sa inyo hindi kami magiging part ng Party Pilipinas.

higit sa lahat, gusto kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng nanonood, sumusuporta (kasama na rin ang linggo-linggong bashers) at nagmamahal sa show. hindi ko man kayo kilala lahat, pero kung wala kayo, hindi magtatagal ang show ng tatlong taon. hanggang sa susunod pong pagkakataon na mapapasaya namin kayo!

***

hindi pa naman ito ang katapusan, maraming-marami pang shows na magagawa. alam ko na ilang beses ko pang makakasama ang karamihan sa kanila. ang masakit ay ang maging bahagi ng katapusan ng isang era, ng isang malaking bahagi ng buhay na hindi lang naglagay ng laman sa bulsa, kundi laman sa Puso na kailanman ay hindi mawawala.

PARTY PILIPINAS FOREVER! :-)

Red Constellation

to the unnamed ninja of the full moon,

it was weeks prior to your leaving, i had a strange dream. i was standing on the roof of a castle, when i looked out, instead of the usually familiar sight of different houses, i saw a vast red sea and a curious moon passing across the similarly red sky. the moon stopped for a moment, like in a rendezvous, waiting to be swallowed by an eclipse. but instead of a black shadow overcasting him, the moon did not disappear but instead turned red as well.

when i woke up from the strange dream, i tried hard to give meaning. i know dreams usually don't make sense but i was afraid something terrible might happen. while awake, i try to recall, during the dream i felt calmness. i was not afraid. i just welcomed it.

***

it was almost a decade ago when i first saw you. my heart skipped a beat, but my mind was telling me i knew better. we are from separate worlds. what illusion that might play in my head will just stay as it is. an imagination.

i need to protect myself. go back to the castle and never trust anyone.

***

dear ninja,

you never really tried to disguise who you really are. you are the kind who would not need a mask to cover up because you are a natural. you were born with that worldly beauty that effortlessly hides the unexplainable trait of a soul that words cannot describe.

it was just one night. when you let me know who you really are, i cannot say i was at peace. i just want to close my eyes and for that moment let the surge of your waves take me, drown me into the abyss i was so afraid of all my life. for when you take me and engulf me, even though there might not be eternal stillness, i knew i was not afraid. i knew you, and i am not alone.

***

to the man who will not be named,

i am an empress. i have built these walls high and mighty to protect me. but i never knew these walls cannot protect me from myself. i was sad and lonely.

one night you came, asking for my help, someone to talk to, someone to listen. you are actually asking me to lend an ear. back then i wondered how you were able to break down those walls and now i realized, "of course, you are a ninja." you climbed them.

how can it be that you were able to change my mind about you? you changed the course of the tides, you came at the time when all of my guards were down.

***

it was a full moon when you left. gone forever.

but unlike every other man from my past, you did not leave by taking my heart. you left an imprint.

in my head, under a full moon on a distant parallel universe, there are no seas or walls between us. in my head, there is a night shared that lasts forever.

you are the only man i knew who could understand me. in my head, i will keep on repeating every single sound you have made. even though the words of love are not meant for me, that night i loved you and you have loved me.

you are the moon, i am the sea.

***

to my found and lost soulmate-on-a-distant-parallel-universe -----------,

i will be waiting.

KAHEL.

wala na. wala na akong nasulat.

sana matandaan ko 'tong araw na to. KAHEL.

isn't it ironic? don't you think?

"an old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day"

that's just one of the saddest lines from one of my favorite songs. classic.

hindi ito blog about how amazing Ironic by Alanis Morissette is, and how a happy tune sings about the best ironies of life. but kung may soundtrack itong moment na ito ng buhay ko, that would be it.

***

when i was younger, i'd complain about how my world (in general) seems to stop me from doing the things that i want. i wanna be heard, i wanna be seen. feeling ko n'on, i have this so much potential at hindi lang ako hinahayaan na i-express ang sarili ko. ang daming hadlang, ang daming sagabal.

now that i'm on my late twenties, hindi ko na ata namalayan na i was eventually able to defeat (or at least ignore?) lahat ng mga gustong maging sagabal. dumating sa point na 'yung mga ginusto ko noon, nasabi kong, "ahh, na-achieve ko na pala sila."

***

at this age, i was very lucky to be in a position na nakikinig na ang mga tao sa ideas ko, sa anong mga gusto ko (i still have bosses, yes). i'm in the industry na gusto ko. masasabi ko ring i have a voice, sa wakas. i'm single, bukod sa pagsuporta sa aking mama, i have no other obligations bukod sa sarili ko. i'm free from any financial debts and i'm not living from paycheck to paycheck. i can shop when i want, i can buy shoes na noon eh katumbas na ng buong sweldo ko for a month.

hindi ito pagyayabang, sinasabi ko lang... at sinasabi ko sa sarili kong ang swerte ko at wala akong karapatang mag-drama ng ganito.

wala nga ba?

***

the irony i'm talking about is, just when you mastered Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and you think you now know all the tricks in living a perfect life; just when you think you are happy and satisfied with your life, and; just when when you think na nothing can stop you from doing what you want, you will suddenly do (or feel) things that make you fuck yourself up.

"what's wrong with me?!"

saan nanggagaling ito at bakit bigla akong hindi masaya? bakit bigla kong kinukwestyon lahat ng nagawa, ginagawa at mga gagawin ko palang na dapat ay nakaayon sa plano?

feeling ko pagod na ako (agad-agad?) and i want to stop but i can't because nanghihinayang naman ako sa lahat ng pinagsikapan ko and hindi na ako bata na bigla na lang aayaw dahil mas marami nang mga mas nakababatang umaasa naman sa akin... see? i've become my own prisoner. i'm a prisoner in my own head. malapit na malapit na akong maging trenta anyos at tatanggapin ko na lang bang habambuhay akong naka-auto pilot mode?

***

i'm so sad and i don't know why. i'm so scared but i wanna fight. i wanna escape but i'm afraid. i'm so ambitious but i'm too lazy (now).

isn't it ironic? don't you think?

cluttered

so it's a Monday, and Mondays are like my every-normal-people's Sunday. here I am, wearing my glasses which i rarely wear kasi tamad ako (and i don't like wearing contact lenses kasi nga...)

walang magawa and dapat (pwersahan na ito) walang gawin. i deserve to rest and i have just been eating the whole day. kaya naman kusang-loob din na nagkakasakit ako, feverish na may slight panghihina, tuwing Monday para siguro matiyak ng katawan kong hindi ako lalabas or hindi ako magta-trabaho (included ang pag-attend ng meeting, thank you).

***

anyway, i posted this picture to show my bundok ng basura sa aking kwarto. i am not too proud of my room kasi minana ko lang ito sa mga magulang ko, hehehe. walang choice, nagkatamaran nang pagandahin! besides, in less than two years i am moving to MY OWN condo, heehee, pak na pak! so magkakaroon na sa wakas nang maayos na lalagyan ang aking mga shoes!

***

i will try to update this blog more kesa naman i spend too much time on twitter.

kapag sinipag na ako, gusto ko sanang picture-an ang bawat pair na meron ako at kung natatandaan ko pa ang mga kwento sa sapatos na 'yan. every pair has a story to tell (sabi ko lang 'yan), hehehe

hard work + gratitude

nakalimutan ko na yatang mag-blog, so pasensya na sa mga magbabasa, sabog 'yung thoughts ko. i am very emotional tonight.

usapang pagsasayaw.

napansin ko lang na parang nauuso ang mga batang gusto nila na sa isang iglap andun na sila, made na sila. para bang in one year of continuous dancing expert na agad? or 'yung iba, wala na silang delikadesa na pwede na nilang sagut-sagutin 'yung teacher? ang tanda ko na ba? hahaha kasi parang hindi ko na kilala 'yung psyche ng mga batang ito...

haay. i can't help but remember those years na pupunta ako sa rehearsal hall 1 hour before the real call time kasi magwawalis pa ako, magpupunas ng salamin, maglalampaso ng sahig. kapag sinuwerte ka, uutusan ka pang bumili ng miryenda ng kung sinong senyores na dumating ng maaga.

nostalgia. ang dami ko palang paghihirap back then. pero sa judgement ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, i am not bitter about it? i am actually proud of myself that i was able to do that. in some strange reason na kahit di naman connected sa pagsasayaw, it made me love dancing even more.

totoo 'yung when you work hard for something, mas maa-appreciate mo 'yung value ng rewards niya. when you get something that easy, madali lang din siyang mawawala.

hindi ko na rin alam! hahaha, i just wish that the new generation of upcoming dancers learn the value of hard work and gratitude.

di ko na kayang pahabain pa itong entry ko, dasal ko lang.

;-)


P.S.

maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga naging seniors ko and especially sa mga teachers ko.
the values na naituro ninyo sa akin, i will always treasure it in my heart. utang na loob ko po sa inyo ang pagsasayaw ko! :-)