wala na. wala na akong nasulat.
sana matandaan ko 'tong araw na to. KAHEL.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
isn't it ironic? don't you think?
"an old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day"
that's just one of the saddest lines from one of my favorite songs. classic.
hindi ito blog about how amazing Ironic by Alanis Morissette is, and how a happy tune sings about the best ironies of life. but kung may soundtrack itong moment na ito ng buhay ko, that would be it.
***
when i was younger, i'd complain about how my world (in general) seems to stop me from doing the things that i want. i wanna be heard, i wanna be seen. feeling ko n'on, i have this so much potential at hindi lang ako hinahayaan na i-express ang sarili ko. ang daming hadlang, ang daming sagabal.
now that i'm on my late twenties, hindi ko na ata namalayan na i was eventually able to defeat (or at least ignore?) lahat ng mga gustong maging sagabal. dumating sa point na 'yung mga ginusto ko noon, nasabi kong, "ahh, na-achieve ko na pala sila."
***
at this age, i was very lucky to be in a position na nakikinig na ang mga tao sa ideas ko, sa anong mga gusto ko (i still have bosses, yes). i'm in the industry na gusto ko. masasabi ko ring i have a voice, sa wakas. i'm single, bukod sa pagsuporta sa aking mama, i have no other obligations bukod sa sarili ko. i'm free from any financial debts and i'm not living from paycheck to paycheck. i can shop when i want, i can buy shoes na noon eh katumbas na ng buong sweldo ko for a month.
hindi ito pagyayabang, sinasabi ko lang... at sinasabi ko sa sarili kong ang swerte ko at wala akong karapatang mag-drama ng ganito.
wala nga ba?
***
the irony i'm talking about is, just when you mastered Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and you think you now know all the tricks in living a perfect life; just when you think you are happy and satisfied with your life, and; just when when you think na nothing can stop you from doing what you want, you will suddenly do (or feel) things that make you fuck yourself up.
"what's wrong with me?!"
saan nanggagaling ito at bakit bigla akong hindi masaya? bakit bigla kong kinukwestyon lahat ng nagawa, ginagawa at mga gagawin ko palang na dapat ay nakaayon sa plano?
feeling ko pagod na ako (agad-agad?) and i want to stop but i can't because nanghihinayang naman ako sa lahat ng pinagsikapan ko and hindi na ako bata na bigla na lang aayaw dahil mas marami nang mga mas nakababatang umaasa naman sa akin... see? i've become my own prisoner. i'm a prisoner in my own head. malapit na malapit na akong maging trenta anyos at tatanggapin ko na lang bang habambuhay akong naka-auto pilot mode?
***
i'm so sad and i don't know why. i'm so scared but i wanna fight. i wanna escape but i'm afraid. i'm so ambitious but i'm too lazy (now).
isn't it ironic? don't you think?
that's just one of the saddest lines from one of my favorite songs. classic.
hindi ito blog about how amazing Ironic by Alanis Morissette is, and how a happy tune sings about the best ironies of life. but kung may soundtrack itong moment na ito ng buhay ko, that would be it.
***
when i was younger, i'd complain about how my world (in general) seems to stop me from doing the things that i want. i wanna be heard, i wanna be seen. feeling ko n'on, i have this so much potential at hindi lang ako hinahayaan na i-express ang sarili ko. ang daming hadlang, ang daming sagabal.
now that i'm on my late twenties, hindi ko na ata namalayan na i was eventually able to defeat (or at least ignore?) lahat ng mga gustong maging sagabal. dumating sa point na 'yung mga ginusto ko noon, nasabi kong, "ahh, na-achieve ko na pala sila."
***
at this age, i was very lucky to be in a position na nakikinig na ang mga tao sa ideas ko, sa anong mga gusto ko (i still have bosses, yes). i'm in the industry na gusto ko. masasabi ko ring i have a voice, sa wakas. i'm single, bukod sa pagsuporta sa aking mama, i have no other obligations bukod sa sarili ko. i'm free from any financial debts and i'm not living from paycheck to paycheck. i can shop when i want, i can buy shoes na noon eh katumbas na ng buong sweldo ko for a month.
hindi ito pagyayabang, sinasabi ko lang... at sinasabi ko sa sarili kong ang swerte ko at wala akong karapatang mag-drama ng ganito.
wala nga ba?
***
the irony i'm talking about is, just when you mastered Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and you think you now know all the tricks in living a perfect life; just when you think you are happy and satisfied with your life, and; just when when you think na nothing can stop you from doing what you want, you will suddenly do (or feel) things that make you fuck yourself up.
"what's wrong with me?!"
saan nanggagaling ito at bakit bigla akong hindi masaya? bakit bigla kong kinukwestyon lahat ng nagawa, ginagawa at mga gagawin ko palang na dapat ay nakaayon sa plano?
feeling ko pagod na ako (agad-agad?) and i want to stop but i can't because nanghihinayang naman ako sa lahat ng pinagsikapan ko and hindi na ako bata na bigla na lang aayaw dahil mas marami nang mga mas nakababatang umaasa naman sa akin... see? i've become my own prisoner. i'm a prisoner in my own head. malapit na malapit na akong maging trenta anyos at tatanggapin ko na lang bang habambuhay akong naka-auto pilot mode?
***
i'm so sad and i don't know why. i'm so scared but i wanna fight. i wanna escape but i'm afraid. i'm so ambitious but i'm too lazy (now).
isn't it ironic? don't you think?
Monday, July 16, 2012
cluttered
so it's a Monday, and Mondays are like my every-normal-people's Sunday. here I am, wearing my glasses which i rarely wear kasi tamad ako (and i don't like wearing contact lenses kasi nga...)
walang magawa and dapat (pwersahan na ito) walang gawin. i deserve to rest and i have just been eating the whole day. kaya naman kusang-loob din na nagkakasakit ako, feverish na may slight panghihina, tuwing Monday para siguro matiyak ng katawan kong hindi ako lalabas or hindi ako magta-trabaho (included ang pag-attend ng meeting, thank you).
***
anyway, i posted this picture to show my bundok ng basura sa aking kwarto. i am not too proud of my room kasi minana ko lang ito sa mga magulang ko, hehehe. walang choice, nagkatamaran nang pagandahin! besides, in less than two years i am moving to MY OWN condo, heehee, pak na pak! so magkakaroon na sa wakas nang maayos na lalagyan ang aking mga shoes!
***
i will try to update this blog more kesa naman i spend too much time on twitter.
kapag sinipag na ako, gusto ko sanang picture-an ang bawat pair na meron ako at kung natatandaan ko pa ang mga kwento sa sapatos na 'yan. every pair has a story to tell (sabi ko lang 'yan), hehehe
Monday, July 9, 2012
hard work + gratitude
nakalimutan ko na yatang mag-blog, so pasensya na sa mga magbabasa, sabog 'yung thoughts ko. i am very emotional tonight.
usapang pagsasayaw.
napansin ko lang na parang nauuso ang mga batang gusto nila na sa isang iglap andun na sila, made na sila. para bang in one year of continuous dancing expert na agad? or 'yung iba, wala na silang delikadesa na pwede na nilang sagut-sagutin 'yung teacher? ang tanda ko na ba? hahaha kasi parang hindi ko na kilala 'yung psyche ng mga batang ito...
haay. i can't help but remember those years na pupunta ako sa rehearsal hall 1 hour before the real call time kasi magwawalis pa ako, magpupunas ng salamin, maglalampaso ng sahig. kapag sinuwerte ka, uutusan ka pang bumili ng miryenda ng kung sinong senyores na dumating ng maaga.
nostalgia. ang dami ko palang paghihirap back then. pero sa judgement ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, i am not bitter about it? i am actually proud of myself that i was able to do that. in some strange reason na kahit di naman connected sa pagsasayaw, it made me love dancing even more.
totoo 'yung when you work hard for something, mas maa-appreciate mo 'yung value ng rewards niya. when you get something that easy, madali lang din siyang mawawala.
hindi ko na rin alam! hahaha, i just wish that the new generation of upcoming dancers learn the value of hard work and gratitude.
di ko na kayang pahabain pa itong entry ko, dasal ko lang.
;-)
P.S.
maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga naging seniors ko and especially sa mga teachers ko.
the values na naituro ninyo sa akin, i will always treasure it in my heart. utang na loob ko po sa inyo ang pagsasayaw ko! :-)
usapang pagsasayaw.
napansin ko lang na parang nauuso ang mga batang gusto nila na sa isang iglap andun na sila, made na sila. para bang in one year of continuous dancing expert na agad? or 'yung iba, wala na silang delikadesa na pwede na nilang sagut-sagutin 'yung teacher? ang tanda ko na ba? hahaha kasi parang hindi ko na kilala 'yung psyche ng mga batang ito...
haay. i can't help but remember those years na pupunta ako sa rehearsal hall 1 hour before the real call time kasi magwawalis pa ako, magpupunas ng salamin, maglalampaso ng sahig. kapag sinuwerte ka, uutusan ka pang bumili ng miryenda ng kung sinong senyores na dumating ng maaga.
nostalgia. ang dami ko palang paghihirap back then. pero sa judgement ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, i am not bitter about it? i am actually proud of myself that i was able to do that. in some strange reason na kahit di naman connected sa pagsasayaw, it made me love dancing even more.
totoo 'yung when you work hard for something, mas maa-appreciate mo 'yung value ng rewards niya. when you get something that easy, madali lang din siyang mawawala.
hindi ko na rin alam! hahaha, i just wish that the new generation of upcoming dancers learn the value of hard work and gratitude.
di ko na kayang pahabain pa itong entry ko, dasal ko lang.
;-)
P.S.
maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga naging seniors ko and especially sa mga teachers ko.
the values na naituro ninyo sa akin, i will always treasure it in my heart. utang na loob ko po sa inyo ang pagsasayaw ko! :-)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Letters Denied / Unsolicited
part one.
i choose to just cancel any future posts about Amnesia Boy. i just don't see any point of writing blog entries about him, just a waste of time i guess?
okay, done!
***
part two.
i am actually writing this blog because i want to rant a lot on twitter and on facebook but i can't. i don't want to rape my followers and friends with my BV posts. so... if you're reading this entry and you find me so negative, it's not my fault. you chose to click the link, and you chose to stay and read.
anyway, pwedeng magtagalog? hmm...
hindi ko na mabilang 'yung maraming beses na nangyari sa akin 'to. someone attends my class...our class, and then befriends me, ganito-ganyan, sasabihin na, "hey, i wanna be part of your crew." ako naman, "okay..." poker face, hindi nagpapakita ng ayaw, hindi rin naman nagpapakita ng excitement.
hindi naman sa ipinagdadamot ko 'yung group, it's just that to be part of our company, hindi lang naman skills at talent ang importante. i am after the character, that's my primary concern. kung babagay ba sa ugali ng group, kung gaano kapursigido 'yung tao.
anyway, i try my best to be nice and reach out. malay ko naman one of them have the potential talaga. i cannot judge. ang hindi ko lang siguro kayang maatim eh, when i am about to invest my time and effort, itong taong tinulungan mo or at least tried to help is boom--wala na, nangabilang-bakod? (i don't know the proper term to use).
of course, anyone has the right to choose his own path. pero naiirita lang ako na how some kids nowadays seem to lack that paninindigan...kung anong sinabi, panindigan mo. hindi naman lahat ng gusto makukuha agad, right? for example, sasabihin mo sa akin na you wanna be part of my crew then next week or tomorrow makikita na lang kita you're part of a different group na agad? labo... sana hindi nagbibitiw ng salita / paasa / talk-shit / sugar-coating. 'yung totoo lang... sabihin mo lang na: "ambisyoso ako, i wanna be part of any group, pwede ba kayo?" i won't take it against you. at least you're being honest. kapag sinabi kong hindi then i see you somewhere else, fine with me talaga. walang samaan ng loob pag ganyan.
***
ow well, papel. baboosh!
i choose to just cancel any future posts about Amnesia Boy. i just don't see any point of writing blog entries about him, just a waste of time i guess?
okay, done!
***
part two.
i am actually writing this blog because i want to rant a lot on twitter and on facebook but i can't. i don't want to rape my followers and friends with my BV posts. so... if you're reading this entry and you find me so negative, it's not my fault. you chose to click the link, and you chose to stay and read.
anyway, pwedeng magtagalog? hmm...
hindi ko na mabilang 'yung maraming beses na nangyari sa akin 'to. someone attends my class...our class, and then befriends me, ganito-ganyan, sasabihin na, "hey, i wanna be part of your crew." ako naman, "okay..." poker face, hindi nagpapakita ng ayaw, hindi rin naman nagpapakita ng excitement.
hindi naman sa ipinagdadamot ko 'yung group, it's just that to be part of our company, hindi lang naman skills at talent ang importante. i am after the character, that's my primary concern. kung babagay ba sa ugali ng group, kung gaano kapursigido 'yung tao.
anyway, i try my best to be nice and reach out. malay ko naman one of them have the potential talaga. i cannot judge. ang hindi ko lang siguro kayang maatim eh, when i am about to invest my time and effort, itong taong tinulungan mo or at least tried to help is boom--wala na, nangabilang-bakod? (i don't know the proper term to use).
of course, anyone has the right to choose his own path. pero naiirita lang ako na how some kids nowadays seem to lack that paninindigan...kung anong sinabi, panindigan mo. hindi naman lahat ng gusto makukuha agad, right? for example, sasabihin mo sa akin na you wanna be part of my crew then next week or tomorrow makikita na lang kita you're part of a different group na agad? labo... sana hindi nagbibitiw ng salita / paasa / talk-shit / sugar-coating. 'yung totoo lang... sabihin mo lang na: "ambisyoso ako, i wanna be part of any group, pwede ba kayo?" i won't take it against you. at least you're being honest. kapag sinabi kong hindi then i see you somewhere else, fine with me talaga. walang samaan ng loob pag ganyan.
***
ow well, papel. baboosh!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Letters To Amnesia Boy: PROLOGUE
Dear _________,
First of all, I wanna clear things up...as much as I want to address you by your real name, I can't. Not just because I want to hide your true identity from public but also because I want my readers to think I'm creative not just inventive--parang Carrie Bradshaw...may 'Mr. Big.' Ako naman merong 'Andoy' at merong 'Pacquing.' Sa'yo, wala pa 'kong naiisip.
There are so many things I wanna say, so many things running through my head. Andami-daming gustong sabihin, 'di ko alam pa'no sisimulan or kung paano ko tatahi-tahiin para hindi lang ako ang makakaintindi.
I guess the hardest part of telling a story is when you, the storyteller, are also confused kung nasaang part ka na ba ng kwento.
***
I am writing you these letters not just to remind you of what has been, how we were together or what we-were-supposed-to-be-but-kept-unspoken. I almost literally lived my life for the past year on a highway, so much has happened halos hindi ko na namalayan how you entered my life and now, how you seemingly left so 'unnoticed.' I am writing you these letters because I needed to remind myself...remind myself of, hindi ko pa alam, undecided. Everything is in a blur, I need something clear, something tangible.
Basta ang alam ko lang, gusto kong maalala, gusto kong may maalala. Sabi ng utak ko, "para saan pa?" Sabi ng puso ko, "dapat mong gawin." Kesehodang at the end of this process, umasa pa ako, mag-hold on or mag-let go, basta ang gusto ko, may maiwan sa aking alaala na kahit mawala ka na, alam ko yung mga eksaktong araw na ito sa buhay ko, nag-exist ako sa mundo.
***
Para po sa kaalaman ng mga nakiki-usyoso sa sulat ko, iniwan po niya ako.
***
TO BE CONTINUED
First of all, I wanna clear things up...as much as I want to address you by your real name, I can't. Not just because I want to hide your true identity from public but also because I want my readers to think I'm creative not just inventive--parang Carrie Bradshaw...may 'Mr. Big.' Ako naman merong 'Andoy' at merong 'Pacquing.' Sa'yo, wala pa 'kong naiisip.
There are so many things I wanna say, so many things running through my head. Andami-daming gustong sabihin, 'di ko alam pa'no sisimulan or kung paano ko tatahi-tahiin para hindi lang ako ang makakaintindi.
I guess the hardest part of telling a story is when you, the storyteller, are also confused kung nasaang part ka na ba ng kwento.
***
I am writing you these letters not just to remind you of what has been, how we were together or what we-were-supposed-to-be-but-kept-unspoken. I almost literally lived my life for the past year on a highway, so much has happened halos hindi ko na namalayan how you entered my life and now, how you seemingly left so 'unnoticed.' I am writing you these letters because I needed to remind myself...remind myself of, hindi ko pa alam, undecided. Everything is in a blur, I need something clear, something tangible.
Basta ang alam ko lang, gusto kong maalala, gusto kong may maalala. Sabi ng utak ko, "para saan pa?" Sabi ng puso ko, "dapat mong gawin." Kesehodang at the end of this process, umasa pa ako, mag-hold on or mag-let go, basta ang gusto ko, may maiwan sa aking alaala na kahit mawala ka na, alam ko yung mga eksaktong araw na ito sa buhay ko, nag-exist ako sa mundo.
***
Para po sa kaalaman ng mga nakiki-usyoso sa sulat ko, iniwan po niya ako.
***
TO BE CONTINUED
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
pagbigyan niyo na
paminsan akala mo ang lakas-lakas mo na...
paminsan akala mo nasa 'yo na lahat ng kakailanganin mo...
pero paminsan may mga bagay na kahit gaano kaliit, gaano kababaw, sa isang sandali lahat ng inakala mo malalaman mong mali pala.
paminsan gusto mo na lang umupo, tumulala...walang gawin.
paminsan, kung pwede lang wala ka na lang nararamdaman baka sakaling maging mas okay ang lahat.
kasi paminsan kalaban mo pati sarili mo, sinasabi niyang mali ka. pwede pa, laban lang, huwag kang susuko, makinig ka sa payo, kaya mo 'yan.
pero minsan, kahit minsan lang, gusto mong suwayin ang lahat at aminin sa sarili mo na, "putangina, masakit eh, pwedeng umaray?"
ngayon sa akin 'yang minsan.
minsan, isang gabi sabi ko sa sarili ko, "pagod na ako."
pagod na akong umasa, na baka lahat ng sinasabi nila tungkol sa pag-ibig, lahat 'yon kalokohan.
may mga taong pagkapanganak, namamatay na agad...
may mga taong buong buhay eh wala sa tamang isip...
may mga taong namamatay na mahirap, may mga taong namamatay sa isang iglap...
sasabihin nila, "ganon lang talaga ang buhay, 'yun ang tinakda."
eh pano kung may mga taong talagang hindi para sa pag-ibig?
pano kung may mga tao na hindi talaga pwedeng makasama sa demographic ng target market ng Star Cinema?
pano kung isa ako sa mga taong 'yun? pwede ko rin bang sabihin sa sarili ko na, "ganon lang talaga ang buhay, 'yun ang tinakda."
wala lang...gusto ko lang sabihin.
paminsan gusto ko lang maging madrama...
paminsan, gusto ko lang sabihin na, "ayoko na."
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