The following is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jose Antonio Madrigal III / Jai / Paquing, whoever you are.
Jerk! Asshole! Go to hell!
This is a story of boy meets boy on Friendster. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.
I need you to help me spread my story, and help me find Jai. He deleted his different accounts on the net, and I can't find him anywhere. I'm no longer asking him to love me back, I just want to know WHY?
-- Jullian Abuda
***
"People who's been hurt are capable of doing stupendous acts of stupidity."
***
(156)
MAJA (over the phone): “Mare, okay ka lang ba? Nabasa ko ‘yung blog mo.”
JOE: “Yes mare, kering-keri pa naman. Medyo sad lang ako...”
MAJA: “Kumusta na si Paquing mo? (beat) Basta mare, kung need mo ng help ha, (emphasis on) as in any help, para makapunta ka ng New York, sabihin mo lang, andito lang ako. Para masamahan mo si Paquing.”
Yes, that’s Maja Salvador over the phone and it’s not from a draft-one script I wrote for her. She called after reading my blog about Paquing’s heart condition.
***
(069)
I love it when he makes funny faces... in his pictures nga lang. It’s been months but we still haven’t met or in a better term, eyeballed.
My most favorite picture of him is the one where he looks like a monkey with a towel on his shoulders with the caption: “drayber.” That’s his profile pic on Friendster. He even has an entire album there full of uglified Jai. That’s what I love about him, he doesn’t seem to care... to look ugly, to make fun of himself.
“Ako si Paquing.”
I find it cute. Kilig. We are making an imaginary love story about Paquing, the driver, and Sunset (that’s me), the rich diva. They’ll cross paths in Roxas Boulevard during one sunset. But then again, what’s between us is almost imaginary. I’m keeping a virtual friendship and fastly falling in love with a man (or could be a woman?) inside my cellphone or laptop. So the story of Paquing and Sunset is an imagination within an imagination.
***
(365)
As I look back on those times, I’d like to ask myself if there was really “us” or is it just me and my thoughts, of who Jai is. How can I measure love? Especially the love I have for an intangible human. But then again, love is not tangible, right? So how can this be wrong?
***
(075)
“Mami-miss kita. Bukas punta na kami ng Zamba. May rest-house kami d’un.”
Sushal. Pero mas kilig... and nakakatawa. As if naman magkasama kami and there’ll be really a difference when he leaves Manila for Zambales. Nevertheless, I’m gonna miss him talaga kasi wala akong makaka-chat on wee hours. Pero sabagay, may cellphone nga naman. It’s hard when you have no job and you have the entire summer to waste.
I think this is it. I built a bridge over Andoy, my ex, and really got over him. I’m officially falling in love with the man on the other side of the line. Kay boss, kay hun, kay baboy, kay Thirdy, kay Paquing, kay Jai... kay Jose Antonio Gonzales Madrigal III.
“Bakla, magtigil ka, ilusyonada.”
That’s my mantra. I can’t... fall... in love! He’s straight, he has a girlfriend at ang layo-layo namin sa isa’t-isa. Mayaman siya, mahirap lang ako. Imposibleng magkagusto ‘to sa’ken. Surely, this will be another case of classic unrequited love.
(080)
When he got back from Zambales, he sent me pictures of their family vacay. What I can remember from the bunch is the one taken by his older sister, Check. He is posing at the beach, red surfer shorts, topless, face squinting because of the sun. But my favorite, the last one, there’s no one there, only a rock and a broken branch of some plant lying on the sand where my name, Jullian, is written. He wrote that and said that’s the only pasalubong he can give me. Now tell me, how can I not fall?
***
(135)
“You don’t have to reply. Just listen to On The Side Of Me by Corrine Mae Bailey.”
That’s him when he’s mad. He’s trying to be formal, cold and stiff. Alam ko kapag galit siya or nagpapahabol. Kasi nag-e-English na ang loko, bawal ni isang salitang Filipino.
It’s been almost two weeks since we last talked. I received his text while I’m standing in front of Prince of JAI-pur sa The Fort, how fitting. The Universe is the best comedian. I can’t remember why we’re not talking. We always have these small fights. Usually, it’s about me nagging him why he can’t have the courage to show up. Finally prove to me that the one I’m talking to and the one I’m seeing on pictures and videos are one and the same.
When we fight, I’d bitch and erase his number. After some days he’d text first and I’ll just know it’s him, I memorized his number. Usually, he’ll ask me to listen to a particular song or he’ll send me lines from a song that he likes. I’d like to think that’s his way of explaining his side or making up.
MEN. Why is it so difficult to just say what they want to say and stop beating around the bush and/or merely admit that they are capable of cheesy thoughts? Especially you Jai, you never said sorry! But then again, that’s our way of making up when we “breakup.” Kaya nga we can have an entire library of songs documenting every single day we spend talking to each other. Every song, there would be a memory of Jai enveloped.
***
(336)
“Problema mo?! Anong mga pinagsasabi mo kay Hannah, ha?”
I “accidentally” texted his girlfriend, Hannah, the message: “bitch.” I can’t help myself. Naiinis kasi ako kapag laging nagrereklamo si Jai about her. Why can’t he leave her and take chances on me? He’d always complain about her nagging, the fact she can’t trust him and all of the other dramas.
After exchanging hot texts full of niceties like, bitch, fuck, faggot, ugly, etcetera, Jai asked me what’s happening. Of course, nagsumbong ang beyotch and Jai would definitely take her side. I totally messed up, now galit na rin sa akin si Jai. Apparently, pati sa kanya nagalit si Hannah Montana kasi he’s being blamed about my well-educated techniques.
Thirty minutes later, after being resolved to the probability he’d never contact me again, Jai texted saying break na sila ng girlfriend niya and he’s sorry for whatever things Hannah said to me. Ako ang kinampihan ni Jai... ang ganda-ganda ko kasi.
***
(155)
Takot ako sa dugo and unlike every average kid, when I was young, I never wanted to become a doctor someday. Si Jai, oo, ‘yun ang pangarap niya. Kaya nga pagbalik niya ng Amerika after the summer of 2009, he’d take up medicine sa Ateneo. That’s the decision his father was so reluctant about. Pa’no na nga ang family business he’s destined to take over?
Sometimes I think I’m luckier than him. Hindi man kami mayaman, wala naman akong panghabambuhay na problemang I have to follow my parents’ dreams instead of mine. Whenever Jai hints about this, I wish I could transport through the phone so I can be beside him, so I can hug him. I know just by gay-instinct, he carries a lot of baggage. It’s just that he wouldn’t admit. And Hannah, the bitch, parang hindi naman nakakatulong. Especially sa kaso ni Jai, meron siyang heart ailment, acute angina something.
When Jai texted me that he’ll be leaving for the states to have his heart cured, I know, masakit ang puso niya both literal and figurative. That time, I wanna bend the rules of the universe and be that one who can heal him on both aspects. That’s how much I love Jai.
He said he’s in the hospital, nasugod kasi siya after niyang atakihin dahil sa tindi ng away nila ni Hannah. Ang putanginang babaeng ‘yon, sinumpong na naman siguro. Ayaw naman sabihin ni Jai kung saang hospital siya, ‘wag na daw, para ‘wag na akong ma-stress. Pero mas lalo nga akong nai-stress.
I have to be there. I have to see him, make sure he’s okay. Nag-uumapaw ang panic sa katawan ko. What if he leaves for US, biglang mapuputol lahat ng instant communications namin. ‘Wag muna, ‘di ko pa kayang tanggalin sa sistema ko na araw-araw akong nandito (virtually) para sa kanya. Kung ooperahan siya sa New York, I have to be the one who will take care of him during the healing process. Kesehodang maibenta ko na lahat ang mga gamit ko, pati mga pamangkin ko, gagawin ko, makatuntong lang doon.
***
(083)
“Ano ba talaga kasing sasabihin mo?”
“Basta. Ikaw muna.”
“Anong basta, hindi pwede! Usapan ikaw mauuna eh. Duga mo talaga. Ano ba ‘yun, ha? Sigurado ka bang mawiwindang talaga ‘ko ha?”
“Hahaha. ;-)”
“Huy! Jai!”
“Gusto kita.”
“Ha?! Anong gusto, anong ibig mong sabihin, ulit ulit!”
“Hahaha. Kinikilig ka ‘no?”
Yes, Jai. Kinikilig ako. I’m the happiest gay alive. Mahal na mahal kita, kahit sino ka pa.
***
(590)
One new message on Facebook, it’s from my BFF Dexter.
“Mare, poser ‘yung Jai mo. Gumagamit lang siya ng pictures ng ibang tao. Hanapin mo dito sa FB si R****** S****!”
WTF?! Joke ba 'to?
TO BE CONTINUED
