random lang.

kapag nailalabas mo 'yung sama ng loob mo, minsan parang krump 'yung feel, nakakapanghina. hindi ko tuloy alam kung if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

basta ang alam ko, kahit na ano pang paniniwala na need maging positive sa lahat ng panahon, importante rin once in a while na ina-acknowledge mo 'yung sama ng loob mo. kung hindi mo ilalabas 'yan, maiipon sila and magiging lason inside.

ikaw pa rin ang mamamatay sa sarili mong lason. better release them, right?

paano sinisimulan ang Pag-Paalam?

in March 2010, i became part of GMA Network as a creative developer and writer. i remember brainstorming for different shows and was even a part of a group that developed the new format of Party Pilipinas. we developed the concept of a theme-based show, and segments like Sayaw Pilipinas.

during that time, hindi ko na-imagine na magiging totoong parte ako ng show na ito bilang sumasayaw pa kami sa iba.

as i now write the treatment, my last dance treatment for Sayaw Pilipinas para sa finalé episode ng Party Pilipinas, ang sarap balikan how we started three years ago. mula sa literal na hindi ko halos kilala lahat ng mga tao, to not just knowing but really loving all the people na bumubuo ng show na ito--mula sa mga bossing hanggang kina Ate Marge ng catering. ganito pala ang feeling na katulong kang magtapos ng bagay na naging bahagi ka rin ng pagbuo, pagbuhay. it's like taking a bullet The Matrix style, mabagal ang anticipation sa sakit.

i have grown not just as a dancer but as a leader, a choreographer, a part of a team... a family. i can't imagine now kung paano namin magagawa ang maraming endeavors ng *ADDLIB kung hindi kami naging bahagi ng show. kung hindi kami buong Pusong tinanggap at minahal ng mga tao dito.

***

and as i start this week, the final stretch, i'd like to thank all the amazing people i've worked with through Party Pilipinas. our directors, Direk Rommel, Direk Mark, Direk Treb; our mothers/ates, Tita Bang, Ms Mae, Ms Gina; all the writers, Haydee, Ate Mike, Stan, Florence, Yani, Buboy, at marami pa; mga tao sa studio, Kuya Archie, Ate Agnes, Mega, Tess Bomb, Sir James; the musicians, The Opera; the two Pauls of Party Pilipinas, Paul Infante and Paul Chia.

ang mga kapatid kong mananayaw: Manoeuvres, Sexbomb, Max Movement, Seven, Groove Jackz at sa lahat ng mga kapwa kong choreographers, Miggy, Kuya Donald, Kuya Bong, Kuya James, Kuya Reagan (ako lang pala ang babae, teehee). mami-miss ko kayong lahat! sa aming Nanay, Tita Geleen--salamat Tita sa mga aral na binigay ninyo sa akin, at pagtulong sa ADDLIB makarating sa Australia.

sa lahat ng artista ng Party Pilipinas na nagtiwala sa *ADDLIB... lalong-lalo na sa mga Muses namin na nagpapa-inspire sa amin linggo-linggo: French, Julie, Yassi, Wyn, Mayton, Diva, Rochelle, Aira, Vaness at lalong-lalo na sa mga mahal kong marszt: Shin at Kyla... salamat at nakasama ko kayo sa loob ng tatlong taon. YOU ARE MY QUEENS!

sa mga new bessies ko: Daryl Maat and Straw Sisperez--my fellow Unicorns. UNICORNS ARE FOREVER tandaan niyo 'yan!

sa taong linggo-linggo kong kabatuhan ng mga ideas, nakikinig sa mga hinaing hanggang sa mga spiritual issues, hehehe, Ate Georgy! thank you for all the help, dami ko pong natutunan sa inyo. salamat din for letting us know kung may kulang at pag-boost ng morale namin every time. Ms Lally, thank you rin po sa pagmamahal sa amin.

sa kauna-unahang direktor na nagpaiyak sa akin, na nasundan pa ng maraming beses... sa lahat ng pressure, test kung gaano kabilis mag-isip ng adjustments, sa lahat ng mga ideya, sa lahat ng criticism, sa lahat ng pag-push sa amin para sa ikahuhusay pa namin... Direk Rico, maraming-maraming salamat po, kung hindi dahil sa inyo hindi kami magiging part ng Party Pilipinas.

higit sa lahat, gusto kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng nanonood, sumusuporta (kasama na rin ang linggo-linggong bashers) at nagmamahal sa show. hindi ko man kayo kilala lahat, pero kung wala kayo, hindi magtatagal ang show ng tatlong taon. hanggang sa susunod pong pagkakataon na mapapasaya namin kayo!

***

hindi pa naman ito ang katapusan, maraming-marami pang shows na magagawa. alam ko na ilang beses ko pang makakasama ang karamihan sa kanila. ang masakit ay ang maging bahagi ng katapusan ng isang era, ng isang malaking bahagi ng buhay na hindi lang naglagay ng laman sa bulsa, kundi laman sa Puso na kailanman ay hindi mawawala.

PARTY PILIPINAS FOREVER! :-)

Red Constellation

to the unnamed ninja of the full moon,

it was weeks prior to your leaving, i had a strange dream. i was standing on the roof of a castle, when i looked out, instead of the usually familiar sight of different houses, i saw a vast red sea and a curious moon passing across the similarly red sky. the moon stopped for a moment, like in a rendezvous, waiting to be swallowed by an eclipse. but instead of a black shadow overcasting him, the moon did not disappear but instead turned red as well.

when i woke up from the strange dream, i tried hard to give meaning. i know dreams usually don't make sense but i was afraid something terrible might happen. while awake, i try to recall, during the dream i felt calmness. i was not afraid. i just welcomed it.

***

it was almost a decade ago when i first saw you. my heart skipped a beat, but my mind was telling me i knew better. we are from separate worlds. what illusion that might play in my head will just stay as it is. an imagination.

i need to protect myself. go back to the castle and never trust anyone.

***

dear ninja,

you never really tried to disguise who you really are. you are the kind who would not need a mask to cover up because you are a natural. you were born with that worldly beauty that effortlessly hides the unexplainable trait of a soul that words cannot describe.

it was just one night. when you let me know who you really are, i cannot say i was at peace. i just want to close my eyes and for that moment let the surge of your waves take me, drown me into the abyss i was so afraid of all my life. for when you take me and engulf me, even though there might not be eternal stillness, i knew i was not afraid. i knew you, and i am not alone.

***

to the man who will not be named,

i am an empress. i have built these walls high and mighty to protect me. but i never knew these walls cannot protect me from myself. i was sad and lonely.

one night you came, asking for my help, someone to talk to, someone to listen. you are actually asking me to lend an ear. back then i wondered how you were able to break down those walls and now i realized, "of course, you are a ninja." you climbed them.

how can it be that you were able to change my mind about you? you changed the course of the tides, you came at the time when all of my guards were down.

***

it was a full moon when you left. gone forever.

but unlike every other man from my past, you did not leave by taking my heart. you left an imprint.

in my head, under a full moon on a distant parallel universe, there are no seas or walls between us. in my head, there is a night shared that lasts forever.

you are the only man i knew who could understand me. in my head, i will keep on repeating every single sound you have made. even though the words of love are not meant for me, that night i loved you and you have loved me.

you are the moon, i am the sea.

***

to my found and lost soulmate-on-a-distant-parallel-universe -----------,

i will be waiting.

KAHEL.

wala na. wala na akong nasulat.

sana matandaan ko 'tong araw na to. KAHEL.

isn't it ironic? don't you think?

"an old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day"

that's just one of the saddest lines from one of my favorite songs. classic.

hindi ito blog about how amazing Ironic by Alanis Morissette is, and how a happy tune sings about the best ironies of life. but kung may soundtrack itong moment na ito ng buhay ko, that would be it.

***

when i was younger, i'd complain about how my world (in general) seems to stop me from doing the things that i want. i wanna be heard, i wanna be seen. feeling ko n'on, i have this so much potential at hindi lang ako hinahayaan na i-express ang sarili ko. ang daming hadlang, ang daming sagabal.

now that i'm on my late twenties, hindi ko na ata namalayan na i was eventually able to defeat (or at least ignore?) lahat ng mga gustong maging sagabal. dumating sa point na 'yung mga ginusto ko noon, nasabi kong, "ahh, na-achieve ko na pala sila."

***

at this age, i was very lucky to be in a position na nakikinig na ang mga tao sa ideas ko, sa anong mga gusto ko (i still have bosses, yes). i'm in the industry na gusto ko. masasabi ko ring i have a voice, sa wakas. i'm single, bukod sa pagsuporta sa aking mama, i have no other obligations bukod sa sarili ko. i'm free from any financial debts and i'm not living from paycheck to paycheck. i can shop when i want, i can buy shoes na noon eh katumbas na ng buong sweldo ko for a month.

hindi ito pagyayabang, sinasabi ko lang... at sinasabi ko sa sarili kong ang swerte ko at wala akong karapatang mag-drama ng ganito.

wala nga ba?

***

the irony i'm talking about is, just when you mastered Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and you think you now know all the tricks in living a perfect life; just when you think you are happy and satisfied with your life, and; just when when you think na nothing can stop you from doing what you want, you will suddenly do (or feel) things that make you fuck yourself up.

"what's wrong with me?!"

saan nanggagaling ito at bakit bigla akong hindi masaya? bakit bigla kong kinukwestyon lahat ng nagawa, ginagawa at mga gagawin ko palang na dapat ay nakaayon sa plano?

feeling ko pagod na ako (agad-agad?) and i want to stop but i can't because nanghihinayang naman ako sa lahat ng pinagsikapan ko and hindi na ako bata na bigla na lang aayaw dahil mas marami nang mga mas nakababatang umaasa naman sa akin... see? i've become my own prisoner. i'm a prisoner in my own head. malapit na malapit na akong maging trenta anyos at tatanggapin ko na lang bang habambuhay akong naka-auto pilot mode?

***

i'm so sad and i don't know why. i'm so scared but i wanna fight. i wanna escape but i'm afraid. i'm so ambitious but i'm too lazy (now).

isn't it ironic? don't you think?