sinong hindi kikiligin sa isang gentleman? siguro yung kapwa niyang Man?
***
i watched ZOMBADINGS 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington yesterday. it's a great movie, andami niyang insights sa kabadingan sa Pilipinas. anyway, hindi naman yan ang point ng entry na ito.
nasa Bubble Tea, Tomas Morato ako. lumabas ako ng pinto para magyosi at isulat ang blog, both of mybhands holding something--my iPad, sa kabilang kamay my Double Chocolate Milk Shake. may gwapong mama na nagbukas ng pinto for me...kinilig naman ako.
okay, judge me! hahaha
***
yung pakikipaglaban ng karapatan ng mga bakla, parang lumelevel na rin sa pakikipaglaban ng mga kababaihan para sa social equality. (oh, 'di ba, ambigat lang?)
***
naisip ko lang, kahit na araw-araw pala akong magpanggap na malakas, andun pa rin yung simpleng, masarap din palang may mag-aalaga sayo. or someone na, sa mga simpleng bagay, nagke-care. pagbubuksan ka ng pinto kapag marami kang dala... kasi gentleman siya. lahat tayo, ke babae man, lalake o bading, kailangan natin ng hero once in a while.
***
supposedly may connect lahat ng mga sinabi ko, pero parang wala naman ata. gusto ko lang magkwento. yun lang! :-)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Alam Mo Na
this is not about the Party Pilipinas theme...
(I'm not supposed to reveal next week's theme, but I'd like to remind myself sometime in the future I am actually writing this blog during this particular episode)
anyway, I have so many things to blog about. but I don't know where to start!
*
I LIKE A BOY.
I like a particular boy... yep, he's a boy. let's say, six or seven years younger than me.
haay buhay... "hey Joe, sometimes kahit ako nagsasawa na sa mga 'I like a boy' mo!"
PS,
I will update soon.
I am just so fucking tipsy (? parang hindi naman) or tinatamad kaya wala akong matinong maisulat.
(6:30am na pala, I am supposed to be sleeping right now. ansarap pa naman ng aircon tapos umuulan!)
PS-PS,
wala nang point tong mga pinagsasasabi ko!!!
BYE--
Thursday, August 25, 2011
back to RED
after a few weeks of shifting from red to orange hair color, i have finally decided to return to RED!!!so much going on with my life, i kinda miss the days when there was no twitter. when i can actually gather all my thoughts all day then have them written by night.
i'll try to make more decent posts here! after 2 years i am blogging again, thank God!
xoxo
JOE
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
(600) Days of Paquing -- PART THREE
Author's Note:
The following is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jose Antonio Madrigal III / R****** S**** / Jai / Paquing, whoever you are.
Sinungaling ka!
This is a story of boy meets boy on Friendster. Then meets him again on Facebook. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.
I need you to help me spread my story, and help me find Jai. He deleted his different accounts on the net, and I can't find him anywhere. I'm no longer asking him to love me back, I just want to know WHY?
-- Jullian / Joe Abuda
***
PART THREE – FINALE
“You had to go out on your own, so you can find your way back home...”
That was it. It took me roughly two minutes, one chorus and two verses, four bottles of Red Horse plus two best friends, Leeyhan and Dexter, for me to finally feel the music and admit to myself that yes, it really hurts. I can’t control it as tears block my view of the videoke monitor while emotions flood my insides.
“Miss na kita...”
I wanted to hug my laptop that time. That’s him, popping on YM. It has been two months since Jai left the Philippines. Two months of adjusting to not having to text him 24/7. I am just so glad. Glad that his heart operation was a success, that his father finally agreed to letting him enroll at med school this June, that he is recovering well and visits the hospital each day where he reads med books. I am just glad to finally talk to him again. I missed him so much.
It’s weird how I miss someone I’ve never seen in person. Well actually, I am the one who’s weird. I let myself agree and cooperate to this kind of setup with a weirder person – Jai. It’s been more than a year and I have already succumbed to the fact that he has no short-term plans of showing himself to me. I just grew tired of trying to convince him and telling him there’s nothing to be nervous about.
I know it’s very frustrating. But what can I do? I was stupid... I am so stupid. I’d rather have him as a virtual friend than to not have him at all. Maybe, I was that optimistic and hopeful. He made me believe and gave me hope that someday we will see each other. Be really together.
He’d always ask me about my parents. How they are doing. Sometimes, giving advice on what to do when there are tiny house emergencies, what medicine to take, and what first aid to use. He is the doctor of my life, the joy who fills the gaps, the space between the notes.
“Na-miss talaga kita, kumusta?”
Okay lang ako, Jai. Umuwi ka na.
We are “fighting” over who’s more talented between the two of us. I say I definitely dance better than him and I write. He says although he doesn’t dance, he is definitely better at singing compared to me. Plus, he plays the piano and the guitar, he composes songs, he paints, and plays basketball and soccer.
“Tsaka marunong akong umarte! Hahaha...”
“Ows? Pauso!”
It’s a week before his birthday on August 7. I don’t know where this conversation is leading to, ayun pala, he’s going to show me a proof that he can really act. May ipapakita raw siya sa akin, surprise niya sa akin for his birthday. Natawa na lang ako, baka drawing na naman kasi. I told him I need to sleep na, I’m in Cebu and I have an early show to do next morning.
I’m back in Manila. I have rehearsals at MOA and it will start after mall hours. So I went to Seattle’s first to check my mail and Facebook, just to kill time.
I opened my inbox and saw a message from Jai. “Surprise!” There was a link attached to it. Click.
A crying girl was running and after her was a man wearing dark blue polo shirt. He reaches and pulls the girl to a stop. He asks her what’s the reason, if it’s about him leaving. The girl doesn’t answer and instead, runs again leaving alone the man with a very familiar face. Acoustic music starts to play and then, electric signals delayed because of my lack of sleep finally moved from my eyes to my brain – that’s him! That’s Jai! Ohemefgee, he’s on a music video! HE’S ON A SILENT SANCTUARY MUSIC VIDEO!
I am so proud of Jai I had to show the video to each *ADDLIB who’s with me that time. I hit him back on Facebook and even texted him. We’re both big fans of Silent Sanctuary. Tanggal ang puyat at pagod ko as I listen to his kwento about his experience during the making of the video.
One new message on Facebook, it’s from my BFF Dexter.
“Mare, poser ‘yung Jai mo. Gumagamit lang siya ng pictures ng ibang tao. Hanapin mo dito sa FB si Roberto Sioco!”
WTF Dixie? I had to laugh that time. I mean, that’s crazy... right? I’ve known Jai for almost two years, who’s better to know than me? I have lots of proof that he’s real plus I simply just know! I just know, Dixie, anong problema mo?!
At the back of my head, a tiny percent asks me what if there’s truth about that message. Kinakabahan ako eh. But I had to check who’s the fucking Roberto Sioco who’s using MY dear Jai’s pictures.
KABOOM! There he was, Roberto Sioco on Facebook with a picture of Jai, an uglified Jai, eating fried chicken. I know that pic, that’s an oldie. Definitely, this Roberto Sioco is a poser. I logged in on Tweeter and saw Jai’s post.
@enjoyjai replied to an earlier tweet by @jeinola (that’s me, yes, follow me!) saying he’s on China and will be back this Thursday. I asked him to message me as soon as he comes back. I want to know if he has any idea about who is that Roberto Sioco. That loser, he even has a thousand plus friends on Facebook.
I checked Jai’s Facebook account. Although he’s not that active on Facebook (says he’s not a fan), I know Jai’s the real one. The wall is active with posts from his siblings, his Kuya Luis Alfredo Madrigal and Ate Check Madrigal and from his med classmates Jay and Jeremiah who are both on Tweeter too. There was a deep exhale from me, medyo napapanatag ako. I had to close that tab and search for Roberto Sioco again. I know there’s a big probability he’s just another loser obsessed with Jai after maging hit ang music video ng Hiling. I added the sucker. I had to know the real score.
30 new NOTIFICATIONS. Roberto Sioco accepted your friend request. My heart started to beat faster out of excitement and anxiety. I opened his profile. Most of the wall posts are from random people I’m sure are just fans of his music video. Then I saw some posts too which are apparently from this Roberto Sioco’s real friends. They call him Berting or Berto.
“Putangina—“
Even without a mirror, I know blood has already been drained from my face. Biglang nagpanic sila Cor, Marc and Joie sa bigla kong naibulalas.
“Anong nangyare marse?”
Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I saw Jay and Jeremiah, same pictures and same names in some of the wall posts. They are calling him Berting / Berto too. As my three friends peek from my shoulder, I clicked on “View Roberto’s Photos.” I saw all the tagged photos, most of them I already saw on Jai’s account, some of them I just saw now.
My body who’s already tired from a 6:30 AM calltime and 10:00 AM show that day was weakened even more with too much information that my brain refuses to process. This was just too much. Joke ba ‘to? I was quite sure that time, while I’m inside the Apple Mac Center, that I am now living inside an alternate universe where the reality I used to know doesn’t exist anymore. I was even pretty convinced I can walk away with the MacBook Air I’m using without being noticed.
“Magkape muna tayo marse, magyosi ka... chill ka muna.”
Later at Starbucks, I’m blabbering too much I think I’m boring my three friends that I had to ask if I can already leave. Buti na lang, I am too tired. I am sure pag-uwi ko, makakatulog agad ako. I know na when I wake up, everything will be alright. Jose Antonio Madrigal III exists and Roberto Sioco is just a screen name.
I feel bad I had to lie at Glay’s party so I can leave early. It’s fun, but I can’t enjoy all the drinks and friends without solving the issue I have in my mind. I walked to Odds Internet Shop, and went back to Roberto Sioco’s page and did the same thing the other day, checking on all the wall posts and pictures. I’m even studying the syntax of Roberto and comparing it to Jai’s. Pretty similar – wait, why not ask Jai himself na lang. Badly, I’ve already erased his number on my phone due to reasons you may personally ask me na lang. So I went back sa Tweeter to check if he’s already replied.
But there was no @enjoyjai there. What the fuck is going on?! Baka nagloloko lang ang Tweeter. I went to Facebook again, typed Jose on the Search field pero walang lumalabas. I typed the entire name and clicked the magnifying glass.
User does not exist. PUTANGINA, ano nang nangyayari? Anong gagawin ko? I checked Roberto Sioco’s page again and saw there are 5 videos of him. Parang puro Hiling music videos lang ang nand’on na napanood ko na except for an 8-minute version. I clicked and hoped for credits. It was an official version posted by Universal Music.
Then, towards the end of the video, the part I’m waiting for – the credits. As Jai’s head slowly hovered up the screen, my world collapsed as I read the name on top – ROBERTO SIOCO.
If you want to know what did I feel after the video confirmed what I’ve been so scared about, you may stop reading from this point on—
Everything, as in everything that has been, that was and that is, all of it was put to waste. It’s like having God appear in front of me to cancel the truth that I know. All the dogmas I used to believe in were all lies. It’s as if a big part of myself, all the love I have for Jai, for what was “we” were nullified, invalidated and sent to oblivion. All the tears, all the pains, all the laughters, all the I’ll-jump-off-this-building moments and everything I’ve created and helped creating like my Sunday classes, Keeno from Your Song’s My Only Hope that was inspired of, based on and offered to him – WALA SILANG KWENTANG LAHAT!
How will I cry for something I can’t even consider a loss? How can I lose something or someone that I never had or rather, someone who never really existed at all? How can I feel pain for a part of me who from the beginning was not there? All I felt was a blissfully sick numbness if one considers being numb as a feeling.
Putanginamonghayupka! Wala kang puso, niloko mo ako!
Nag-imbestiga ako. Hinanap ko lahat ng pwede kong mahanap para maintindihan ko. Kinausap ko lahat ng pwedeng makatulong sa akin. Gusto ko lang namang malaman kung BAKIT? Sino ba si Jai, sino ba si Roberto? Meron lang bang taong obsessed kay Roberto na ang tanging hobby ay i-stalk si Roberto at manloko ng ibang tao? Or iisa lang sila to begin with?
Kung poser talaga si Jai, sino ‘yung mga kapatid niya sa Facebook? Sino ‘yung mga kasagutan niyang friends sa Tweeter and Facebook? Sino ‘yung nakaaway kong Hannah? Ano ba ‘to, bonggang conspiracy against me? May nakaaway ba akong matindi for me to deserve this? Kung poser si Jai, bakit masyado siyang maraming alam na bagay about Roberto? How about the pictures and videos that were supposedly too personal, paano napunta sa kanya? I need some explanation.
I found out from Khryssy na hindi lang pala ako ang naloko ni Jai. Most of them, hindi pa rin aware ngayon, or pwedeng hindi na rin sila interesado. Pwedeng maaga silang napagod sa taong paasa, mabulaklak ang salita na hindi rin naman pala magpapakilala. Ako lang naman ang tanga na hindi nakita lahat ng inconsistencies, who refused to listen to Khryssy when she tried to enlighten me.
“Hey... did you receive my message?”
“What message?”
“Uhm, I messaged you, it should be on your inbox... ;-)”
“Oh that one... yeah I saw it. Thank you very much for that. Well he's a loser what can we do.”
“I know, are you aware of that?”
“I added him up in Multiply, he's not accepting”
“Yeah, I think so too, aren’t you interested in knowing what else he did?”
“What did he do? Go tell me...”
“That's so sad nga eh, i just discovered your account, he was a friend pa naman for 2 YEARS, can you imagine? What else did he do? Super long story, it takes an entire blog site...”
“Some people are messaging me about it. Well he's a loser that’s just it.”
“Sorry ha, I’m super affected and it's weird, talking to that pic I still feel it's him and now I have to realize na it's totally a different person... I'm just super, super, super sad now.”
“Yeah that’s why lesson learned is never trust someone you don’t see.”
“I think you should find who that person is kasi he's been using your pics for YEARS. I know, haven’t met him, pero we have a common friend kasi – ‘we.’ There's no we nga pala kasi now he doesn’t exist.”
“I don’t really want to waste my time on him. Thanks for the heads up!”
“Yes jai! Hahaha, ay Roberto pala. Goodnight, and goodluck! BTW, i’m after him, i’ll let you know when mahanap ko na who that asshole is, I deserve some explanation ;-) Goodnight again...”
“Sige go lang... Thanks, thanks! Ingat!”
My relationship with Jai purely existed on exchanging text and chat messages. Everything can be read kaya I know kung opening line pa lang kung si Jai na kausap ko, whether if it’s in Filipino or English, whatever the emotion is. Dalawang taon of knowing him plus gay-intuition with crazy desperation, kahit magalit ka pa sa akin or mga friends mo alam ko Roberto, ikaw ‘yan Jai.
Ang dami-dami ko pang nalaman pero at the same time, andami-dami ring tanong. Ang hirap-hirap isiksik sa isang blog lahat ng kwento. Mga kwentong itinago ko sa sarili ko, itinago ko sa mga friends ko kasi nahihiya akong ma-judge ng mga tao. Na ang gaya ko, with everything I did and was able to accomplish at the time, was still that stupid enough, still that desperate enough, at finding someone who can love me that’s why I held on to Jai. If only I had been more courageous and wiser, it wouldn’t have taken me two years to find out the truth. But then again, regrets are regrets and it just wouldn’t help. I guess I just have to move on; it’s just that I need this closure.
“hello... ;-)”
“hello... ;-)”
“hello... ;-)”
Facebook’s chat most of the time doesn’t function well. It automatically repeated my message to Roberto. But there was no reply at all – nothing from Jai or Roberto. No soul was there, and my message metaphorically echoed and bounced back at me.
“Jai!”
“O?”
“Pa’no ‘kung isang araw bigla na lang akong mawala?”
“Pa’nong mawala?”
“As in ‘di mo na ‘ko mahanap? ‘Di na ko nagrereply, ‘di mo na makokontak ‘tong number na ‘to, tapos kahit sa internet imposible na akong mahanap talaga?”
“Anong drama na naman ‘yan?”
“Basta, sumagot ka na lang, ‘wag ka nang maraming tanong.”
“Bubugbugin kita, hahaha.”
“Pa’no, eh ‘di mo na nga ako makita?”
“Basta... hahanapin pa rin kita...”
FIN
***
As I write this last part, I'd like to thank all of my friends who've been following this three part blog and reposted this on their site and helped in spreading the word in search for the real Jai. Thank you for taking the time to read, to give me a call and simply listen without prejudice.
To those who are not aware, this really happened. I just called it fiction because hey, isn't Jai a fiction in the first place?
Thanks to (500) Days of Summer, it has inspired me so much. You should watch that film, it's life changing for some.
And to Jai, wherever you are, I forgot to thank you. Somehow, in the deep recesses of your heart, I know, there was truth there and that's what my heart listened to. Thank you. We will finally meet... AGAIN.
The following is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jose Antonio Madrigal III / R****** S**** / Jai / Paquing, whoever you are.
Sinungaling ka!
This is a story of boy meets boy on Friendster. Then meets him again on Facebook. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.
I need you to help me spread my story, and help me find Jai. He deleted his different accounts on the net, and I can't find him anywhere. I'm no longer asking him to love me back, I just want to know WHY?
-- Jullian / Joe Abuda
***
PART THREE – FINALE
Somewhere Down the Road
(596)
“You had to go out on your own, so you can find your way back home...”
That was it. It took me roughly two minutes, one chorus and two verses, four bottles of Red Horse plus two best friends, Leeyhan and Dexter, for me to finally feel the music and admit to myself that yes, it really hurts. I can’t control it as tears block my view of the videoke monitor while emotions flood my insides.
***
(378)
“Miss na kita...”
I wanted to hug my laptop that time. That’s him, popping on YM. It has been two months since Jai left the Philippines. Two months of adjusting to not having to text him 24/7. I am just so glad. Glad that his heart operation was a success, that his father finally agreed to letting him enroll at med school this June, that he is recovering well and visits the hospital each day where he reads med books. I am just glad to finally talk to him again. I missed him so much.
It’s weird how I miss someone I’ve never seen in person. Well actually, I am the one who’s weird. I let myself agree and cooperate to this kind of setup with a weirder person – Jai. It’s been more than a year and I have already succumbed to the fact that he has no short-term plans of showing himself to me. I just grew tired of trying to convince him and telling him there’s nothing to be nervous about.
I know it’s very frustrating. But what can I do? I was stupid... I am so stupid. I’d rather have him as a virtual friend than to not have him at all. Maybe, I was that optimistic and hopeful. He made me believe and gave me hope that someday we will see each other. Be really together.
He’d always ask me about my parents. How they are doing. Sometimes, giving advice on what to do when there are tiny house emergencies, what medicine to take, and what first aid to use. He is the doctor of my life, the joy who fills the gaps, the space between the notes.
“Na-miss talaga kita, kumusta?”
Okay lang ako, Jai. Umuwi ka na.
***
(515)
We are “fighting” over who’s more talented between the two of us. I say I definitely dance better than him and I write. He says although he doesn’t dance, he is definitely better at singing compared to me. Plus, he plays the piano and the guitar, he composes songs, he paints, and plays basketball and soccer.
“Tsaka marunong akong umarte! Hahaha...”
“Ows? Pauso!”
It’s a week before his birthday on August 7. I don’t know where this conversation is leading to, ayun pala, he’s going to show me a proof that he can really act. May ipapakita raw siya sa akin, surprise niya sa akin for his birthday. Natawa na lang ako, baka drawing na naman kasi. I told him I need to sleep na, I’m in Cebu and I have an early show to do next morning.
(516)
I’m back in Manila. I have rehearsals at MOA and it will start after mall hours. So I went to Seattle’s first to check my mail and Facebook, just to kill time.
I opened my inbox and saw a message from Jai. “Surprise!” There was a link attached to it. Click.
A crying girl was running and after her was a man wearing dark blue polo shirt. He reaches and pulls the girl to a stop. He asks her what’s the reason, if it’s about him leaving. The girl doesn’t answer and instead, runs again leaving alone the man with a very familiar face. Acoustic music starts to play and then, electric signals delayed because of my lack of sleep finally moved from my eyes to my brain – that’s him! That’s Jai! Ohemefgee, he’s on a music video! HE’S ON A SILENT SANCTUARY MUSIC VIDEO!
I am so proud of Jai I had to show the video to each *ADDLIB who’s with me that time. I hit him back on Facebook and even texted him. We’re both big fans of Silent Sanctuary. Tanggal ang puyat at pagod ko as I listen to his kwento about his experience during the making of the video.
***
(590)
One new message on Facebook, it’s from my BFF Dexter.
“Mare, poser ‘yung Jai mo. Gumagamit lang siya ng pictures ng ibang tao. Hanapin mo dito sa FB si Roberto Sioco!”
WTF Dixie? I had to laugh that time. I mean, that’s crazy... right? I’ve known Jai for almost two years, who’s better to know than me? I have lots of proof that he’s real plus I simply just know! I just know, Dixie, anong problema mo?!
At the back of my head, a tiny percent asks me what if there’s truth about that message. Kinakabahan ako eh. But I had to check who’s the fucking Roberto Sioco who’s using MY dear Jai’s pictures.
KABOOM! There he was, Roberto Sioco on Facebook with a picture of Jai, an uglified Jai, eating fried chicken. I know that pic, that’s an oldie. Definitely, this Roberto Sioco is a poser. I logged in on Tweeter and saw Jai’s post.
@enjoyjai replied to an earlier tweet by @jeinola (that’s me, yes, follow me!) saying he’s on China and will be back this Thursday. I asked him to message me as soon as he comes back. I want to know if he has any idea about who is that Roberto Sioco. That loser, he even has a thousand plus friends on Facebook.
I checked Jai’s Facebook account. Although he’s not that active on Facebook (says he’s not a fan), I know Jai’s the real one. The wall is active with posts from his siblings, his Kuya Luis Alfredo Madrigal and Ate Check Madrigal and from his med classmates Jay and Jeremiah who are both on Tweeter too. There was a deep exhale from me, medyo napapanatag ako. I had to close that tab and search for Roberto Sioco again. I know there’s a big probability he’s just another loser obsessed with Jai after maging hit ang music video ng Hiling. I added the sucker. I had to know the real score.
(591)
30 new NOTIFICATIONS. Roberto Sioco accepted your friend request. My heart started to beat faster out of excitement and anxiety. I opened his profile. Most of the wall posts are from random people I’m sure are just fans of his music video. Then I saw some posts too which are apparently from this Roberto Sioco’s real friends. They call him Berting or Berto.
“Putangina—“
Even without a mirror, I know blood has already been drained from my face. Biglang nagpanic sila Cor, Marc and Joie sa bigla kong naibulalas.
“Anong nangyare marse?”
Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I saw Jay and Jeremiah, same pictures and same names in some of the wall posts. They are calling him Berting / Berto too. As my three friends peek from my shoulder, I clicked on “View Roberto’s Photos.” I saw all the tagged photos, most of them I already saw on Jai’s account, some of them I just saw now.
My body who’s already tired from a 6:30 AM calltime and 10:00 AM show that day was weakened even more with too much information that my brain refuses to process. This was just too much. Joke ba ‘to? I was quite sure that time, while I’m inside the Apple Mac Center, that I am now living inside an alternate universe where the reality I used to know doesn’t exist anymore. I was even pretty convinced I can walk away with the MacBook Air I’m using without being noticed.
“Magkape muna tayo marse, magyosi ka... chill ka muna.”
Later at Starbucks, I’m blabbering too much I think I’m boring my three friends that I had to ask if I can already leave. Buti na lang, I am too tired. I am sure pag-uwi ko, makakatulog agad ako. I know na when I wake up, everything will be alright. Jose Antonio Madrigal III exists and Roberto Sioco is just a screen name.
(593)
I feel bad I had to lie at Glay’s party so I can leave early. It’s fun, but I can’t enjoy all the drinks and friends without solving the issue I have in my mind. I walked to Odds Internet Shop, and went back to Roberto Sioco’s page and did the same thing the other day, checking on all the wall posts and pictures. I’m even studying the syntax of Roberto and comparing it to Jai’s. Pretty similar – wait, why not ask Jai himself na lang. Badly, I’ve already erased his number on my phone due to reasons you may personally ask me na lang. So I went back sa Tweeter to check if he’s already replied.
But there was no @enjoyjai there. What the fuck is going on?! Baka nagloloko lang ang Tweeter. I went to Facebook again, typed Jose on the Search field pero walang lumalabas. I typed the entire name and clicked the magnifying glass.
User does not exist. PUTANGINA, ano nang nangyayari? Anong gagawin ko? I checked Roberto Sioco’s page again and saw there are 5 videos of him. Parang puro Hiling music videos lang ang nand’on na napanood ko na except for an 8-minute version. I clicked and hoped for credits. It was an official version posted by Universal Music.
Then, towards the end of the video, the part I’m waiting for – the credits. As Jai’s head slowly hovered up the screen, my world collapsed as I read the name on top – ROBERTO SIOCO.
If you want to know what did I feel after the video confirmed what I’ve been so scared about, you may stop reading from this point on—
Everything, as in everything that has been, that was and that is, all of it was put to waste. It’s like having God appear in front of me to cancel the truth that I know. All the dogmas I used to believe in were all lies. It’s as if a big part of myself, all the love I have for Jai, for what was “we” were nullified, invalidated and sent to oblivion. All the tears, all the pains, all the laughters, all the I’ll-jump-off-this-building moments and everything I’ve created and helped creating like my Sunday classes, Keeno from Your Song’s My Only Hope that was inspired of, based on and offered to him – WALA SILANG KWENTANG LAHAT!
How will I cry for something I can’t even consider a loss? How can I lose something or someone that I never had or rather, someone who never really existed at all? How can I feel pain for a part of me who from the beginning was not there? All I felt was a blissfully sick numbness if one considers being numb as a feeling.
Putanginamonghayupka! Wala kang puso, niloko mo ako!
***
(598)
Nag-imbestiga ako. Hinanap ko lahat ng pwede kong mahanap para maintindihan ko. Kinausap ko lahat ng pwedeng makatulong sa akin. Gusto ko lang namang malaman kung BAKIT? Sino ba si Jai, sino ba si Roberto? Meron lang bang taong obsessed kay Roberto na ang tanging hobby ay i-stalk si Roberto at manloko ng ibang tao? Or iisa lang sila to begin with?
Kung poser talaga si Jai, sino ‘yung mga kapatid niya sa Facebook? Sino ‘yung mga kasagutan niyang friends sa Tweeter and Facebook? Sino ‘yung nakaaway kong Hannah? Ano ba ‘to, bonggang conspiracy against me? May nakaaway ba akong matindi for me to deserve this? Kung poser si Jai, bakit masyado siyang maraming alam na bagay about Roberto? How about the pictures and videos that were supposedly too personal, paano napunta sa kanya? I need some explanation.
I found out from Khryssy na hindi lang pala ako ang naloko ni Jai. Most of them, hindi pa rin aware ngayon, or pwedeng hindi na rin sila interesado. Pwedeng maaga silang napagod sa taong paasa, mabulaklak ang salita na hindi rin naman pala magpapakilala. Ako lang naman ang tanga na hindi nakita lahat ng inconsistencies, who refused to listen to Khryssy when she tried to enlighten me.
***
(597)
“Hey... did you receive my message?”
“What message?”
“Uhm, I messaged you, it should be on your inbox... ;-)”
“Oh that one... yeah I saw it. Thank you very much for that. Well he's a loser what can we do.”
“I know, are you aware of that?”
“I added him up in Multiply, he's not accepting”
“Yeah, I think so too, aren’t you interested in knowing what else he did?”
“What did he do? Go tell me...”
“That's so sad nga eh, i just discovered your account, he was a friend pa naman for 2 YEARS, can you imagine? What else did he do? Super long story, it takes an entire blog site...”
“Some people are messaging me about it. Well he's a loser that’s just it.”
“Sorry ha, I’m super affected and it's weird, talking to that pic I still feel it's him and now I have to realize na it's totally a different person... I'm just super, super, super sad now.”
“Yeah that’s why lesson learned is never trust someone you don’t see.”
“I think you should find who that person is kasi he's been using your pics for YEARS. I know, haven’t met him, pero we have a common friend kasi – ‘we.’ There's no we nga pala kasi now he doesn’t exist.”
“I don’t really want to waste my time on him. Thanks for the heads up!”
“Yes jai! Hahaha, ay Roberto pala. Goodnight, and goodluck! BTW, i’m after him, i’ll let you know when mahanap ko na who that asshole is, I deserve some explanation ;-) Goodnight again...”
“Sige go lang... Thanks, thanks! Ingat!”
My relationship with Jai purely existed on exchanging text and chat messages. Everything can be read kaya I know kung opening line pa lang kung si Jai na kausap ko, whether if it’s in Filipino or English, whatever the emotion is. Dalawang taon of knowing him plus gay-intuition with crazy desperation, kahit magalit ka pa sa akin or mga friends mo alam ko Roberto, ikaw ‘yan Jai.
***
(599)
Ang dami-dami ko pang nalaman pero at the same time, andami-dami ring tanong. Ang hirap-hirap isiksik sa isang blog lahat ng kwento. Mga kwentong itinago ko sa sarili ko, itinago ko sa mga friends ko kasi nahihiya akong ma-judge ng mga tao. Na ang gaya ko, with everything I did and was able to accomplish at the time, was still that stupid enough, still that desperate enough, at finding someone who can love me that’s why I held on to Jai. If only I had been more courageous and wiser, it wouldn’t have taken me two years to find out the truth. But then again, regrets are regrets and it just wouldn’t help. I guess I just have to move on; it’s just that I need this closure.
“hello... ;-)”
“hello... ;-)”
“hello... ;-)”
Facebook’s chat most of the time doesn’t function well. It automatically repeated my message to Roberto. But there was no reply at all – nothing from Jai or Roberto. No soul was there, and my message metaphorically echoed and bounced back at me.
***
(103)
“Jai!”
“O?”
“Pa’no ‘kung isang araw bigla na lang akong mawala?”
“Pa’nong mawala?”
“As in ‘di mo na ‘ko mahanap? ‘Di na ko nagrereply, ‘di mo na makokontak ‘tong number na ‘to, tapos kahit sa internet imposible na akong mahanap talaga?”
“Anong drama na naman ‘yan?”
“Basta, sumagot ka na lang, ‘wag ka nang maraming tanong.”
“Bubugbugin kita, hahaha.”
“Pa’no, eh ‘di mo na nga ako makita?”
“Basta... hahanapin pa rin kita...”
FIN
***
EPILOGUE (600)
As I write this last part, I'd like to thank all of my friends who've been following this three part blog and reposted this on their site and helped in spreading the word in search for the real Jai. Thank you for taking the time to read, to give me a call and simply listen without prejudice.
To those who are not aware, this really happened. I just called it fiction because hey, isn't Jai a fiction in the first place?
Thanks to (500) Days of Summer, it has inspired me so much. You should watch that film, it's life changing for some.
And to Jai, wherever you are, I forgot to thank you. Somehow, in the deep recesses of your heart, I know, there was truth there and that's what my heart listened to. Thank you. We will finally meet... AGAIN.
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