About a month ago, I went into this really dark place. Being in the middle of this lockdown, I knew there was no escaping it. I needed healing. Healing from all my childhood traumas, past negative experiences, and old wounds.
I was very fortunate that through one of my Facebook posts, an unexpected person from my friends list messaged me and offered some help. This person became a "life coach" and helped me process these things through sessions where I get to share thoughts and experiences.
One of our exercises included me naming a person I hated the most. Through that person, we can study my triggers, the probable root cause of certain negativities, and most importantly, how can I resolve it.
I made a status update about this exercise weeks ago where I shared how I wrote a letter to a former mentor. All along, akala ko, forgetting someone is enough. Iba pala 'yung kinakalimutan mo lang 'yung experience (or just putting the past behind) sa talagang nakapagpatawad ka na. As long as there is pain or anger, you are not healed. The residue of that negative experience is still in your subconscious mind. No matter what you do, unknowingly, it will affect your actions and your decisions. Totoo pala 'yung you really become the monster that you hate.
Going back, as I was doing the exercise and writing the letter, I have realized something: "how can I ask for forgiveness from my former mentor kung ako mismo sa sarili ko, I can't forgive people who hurt me, especially my former students?" So I made a list of all the people I hate (LOL) or mga tao from my past that I feel I have unresolved issues with. One by one, I wrote each of them a letter.
Why am I sharing this today? I saw an interview of my idol Lady Gaga where she shared she needed to show kindness to the younger pop artists; something she never got from one of her idols (obviously, Madonna) when she was just starting in the industry. It was so beautiful and made me think of my position now as a teacher/mentor to the younger generation. To me, pwedeng wala lang 'yung mga bagay na nasabi or nagawa ko but to these kids who [once] look[ed] up to me, they meant the world to them.
These past few weeks have been both difficult and kind. Although "trapped" inside my home, undergoing this process has truly been liberating. My favorite quote from Kill Bill, "revenge is a dish best served cold," has changed its meaning... the best form of "revenge" is when you have forgiven people.
When you ask for forgiveness, it doesn't matter if you hear, "you are forgiven." You don't expect a reply. You pay it forward by forgiving the people who hurt you too.
When you forgive someone, you are no longer giving the person who hurt you the power over you... they can no longer unwittingly control your emotions and your actions. Also, you cannot expect kindness when you yourself haven't been kind. Just because someone was not able to show you the love you deserve, you will let yourself become the monster you hate.
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